Old and New Jokes

A recent poll of 2000 women were asked the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?

94% responded Never again!

Did you know that Monica Lewinsky is moving to North Carolina?

She doesnt know exactly where shell live, but its a toss-up between Blowing Rock and Morehead City.

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. Bill, Bill wake up.

Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, Bill, Bill wake up.



Bill finally wakes up and says, What do you want? Hillary responds, I have to go use the bathroom.



To which Bill says, Please tell me you didnt wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom.



Hillary says, No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot.

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?



SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.



SL: Its logical. He wants to have his way with us.



SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?



SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.



SM: It is not working.



SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.



SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.



SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and Ill go this way. He cannot follow both of us.



So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.



SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!



SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.



SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.



SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.



SM: So what happened?



SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.



SM: And what else?



SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.



SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?



SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.



SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?



SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?



SL: Isnt it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah Witness with an atheist?

A: A person who knocks on your door for no reason.

Two nuns are bicycling down a cobblestone street.

The first one says to the other I havent come this way before.



The second one replies I know. Its the cobbles.

A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, Good morning sisters.

And they reply in a sing song manner, You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.



This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says,Good morning Brother.



The Brother replies in a sing song voice, You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. The priest looks confused at all this but goes on.



He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, Good morning Father.



The priest replies in a sing song manner, You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.



Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, Father …



The young priest was not going to take any more even from the Bishop. He looks at the Bishop and says, No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!



The Bishop looks at him stunned and says, What?



The priest realized his mistake and said I am sorry your Holiness, what is it you want?



The Bishop looks at him and says, All I was going to do was ask you why the hell you have on Sister Marys shoes.

A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they dont know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, I know what well do. After Ive operated on the priest, Ill give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.



Do you think it will work? she asks the doctor.



Its worth a try, he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, Father, youre not going to believe this.



What? says the priest. What happened?



You gave birth to a child.



But thats impossible!



I just did the operation, insists the doctor. Its a miracle! Heres your baby.



About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, Son, I have something to tell you. Im not your father.



The son says, What do you mean, youre not my father?



The priest replies, Im your mother. The archbishop is your father.

When a farmer dies, why is he only buried six inches deep?

So he can still get a hand out.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and . . . everything else was automatic!



Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldnt remove the instrument from his penis.



He read the manual but didnt find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.



Finally, the farmer decided to call the suppliers Customer Service Hot Line. Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cows udder?



Dont worry, replied the customer service rep, the machine was programmed to release automatically once its collected two gallons of milk.