Y2K Status Report…
Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the Y-to-K date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
and…:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
Well await your direction.
INTER OFFICE MEMORANDUM
SUBJECT: Solution to Y2K Problem
Factory Networks is pleased to announce the successful completion of a pilot program that was developed to establish a low-cost solution to the Year 2000 issue. In accordance with the wishes of the our manager, at meeting last week, we have been asked to implement this plan on a group-wide basis ASAP. Our new goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. Reduction in technical problems
3. Major reduction in software costs.
4. Smaller learning curve for our managers.
As part of our continuing effort to be proactive in our customer relations, we are including the most frequently asked questions from our test group from the pilot phase. We believe that these questions cover approximately 99% of the issued involved with the new systems – though we recognize it is certainly not foolproof since we all know how ingenious fools are. Should you have questions or concerns with this plan, please contact a member of the system administration team and take it up with them.
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firms senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
Is Mr. Smith there?, asked the client on the phone.
Im very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night, the receptionist answered.
Is Mr. Smith there?, repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. Perhaps you didnt understand me Im afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night.
Is Mr. Smith there?, asked the client again.
Maam, do you understand what Im saying?, said the exasperated receptionist. Mr. Smith is DEAD!
I understand you perfectly, the client sighed. I just cant hear it often enough.
A lawyers dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyers office and asks, if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dogs owner?
Absolutely, the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read Consultation: $25.00.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said Im here cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.
Thats quite a coincidence, said the engineer, Im here cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.
The lawyer pondered the engineers plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked, How do you start a flood?
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked How much is 2 plus 2?
The housewife replies: Four!
The accountant says: I think its either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, How much do you want it to be?
There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride. Hes driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over! So he speeds up and heads straight for him. At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss, him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer. He says to the priest Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer! The priest then replies Thats ok son, I got him with my door.
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded – you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette.
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you with oral sex – take your pick.
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldnt see the connection with Russian Roulette.
He said Well, ok, great, but wheres the roulette part?
Wheres the danger?
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, One of them is a cannibal
POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS
Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.
Serial Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Lazy: Motivationally deficient.
Fat: Horizontally challenged.
Fail: Achieve a deficiency.
Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.
Bald: Follicularly challenged.
Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.
Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.
Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Short: Vertically challenged.
Dead: Living impaired.
Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
Spendthrift: Negative saver.
Drunk: Chemically inconvenienced.
Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed.
Ignorant: Knowledge-based non-possessor.
Q: Whats the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.
Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A: The President after Bush.
Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.
Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: Dont hit your head on the desk.
Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on Presidents day?
A: All pants half off.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They both blew the big one several times.
Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
A: The Executive Branch.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
A: They both have slots which say Insert Bill here.