Old and New Jokes

Why was the belt arrested?



Because it held up a pair of pants!

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesnt believe in retaliation:



1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.



2. When he says No, ask, Why not?



3. Wait until he says something to the effect of Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence.



4. When hes in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.



5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.



6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.



7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.



8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET



WOMEN – A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS



ELEMENT: Women



SYMBOL: Wo



DISCOVERER: Adam



ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg



OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas



PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:



1. Surface usually covered in painted film.



2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.



3. Melts if given special treatment.



4. Bitter if incorrectly used.



5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.



6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.



CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:



1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.



2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.



3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.



4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.



5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.



COMMON USES:



1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.



2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.



3. Very effective cleaning agent.



TESTS:



1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.



2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.



HAZARDS:



1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.



2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

The Ages of Woman:

1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.



2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.



3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.



4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.



5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows its down there but who gives a damn?







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The Ages of Man: (read these ones carefully)

1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly.



2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly.



3. Over 47: Try weakly.

Q. What have a woman and a condom got in common.

A. They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick!

At least we know that ugly people arent two-faced.

If they were, surely theyd use their other face!

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling Gama Su!, Gama Su!. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, Gama Su! Gama Su!



Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?



The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.



I cant, dear, she said. I have to sleep in Daddys room.



A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: The big sissy.

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.



Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you? his mother asked.



Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, youd never believe it!