Why did God invent lesbians?
So feminists wouldnt breed.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Thats not the point,whats she doing out of the kitchen?
What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?
Kick her in the butt
How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women wont shut up long enough to build up pressure.
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
I feel terrible, he explained, I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around and waved again. Then he hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, What in Heavens name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said, Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.
An Ebonics X-mas The Night Befo Crizmus
Wuz da night befo Crizmus An all thru da hood Everybody be sleepin Dey was sleepin real good
We hunged up our stockins An hoped like all heck Dat ol Sanny Claws Gonna brang us our check
All of da fambly Wuz layin in beds While Thunderbird wine Danced thru dere heds
I dun passed out on ze flo Right nex to my maw When I heared such a fuss I thunk – it mus be da law
I looked out thru da bars What could I now do I was spectin the sherrif With a warrent for sho
And what did I see Made me say, Lawd look at dat Dere was a huge watahmelon Pulled by 8 big ass rats
Now ober all da years Sanny Claws he be white But it looks like us bros Get a black Sanny tonite
Faster dan a po lice car My homeboy he came He whupped up on dem rats As he called dem be name
On Leroy, On Roosevelt On Virvus, On Willie On Yolanda, On Crayola On Kiesha, and Nefrotilly
An ol Sanny landed dat watahmelon Out dere in da street I knowed it fo shu Da damnest ting I eber did seed
Dat black Sanny didnt go down no chimbly He picked da lock on my do An I sez to myeslf Shit – He dis befo
He had did big bag Full of prezents I speck Wif Air Jordans and fake gold To wear roun my nek
But he left no prezents Jus started stealin my shit Got my guns, got my crack Eben my burglers kit
Wit my shit in his bag Out da windo he flew I sho woulda chased him But he got my knife too
He jumped on dat watahmelon Wit out a hitch He wuz gone in a second That son of a bitch
So nex year I be hopin A white Sanny we git Cause a black Sanny Claws Jus aint worf a shit!
These are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship.
1. (For this one, you have to know that its really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.
2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.
3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!
4. There was some mix-up with a womans room. The clerk (or whatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin? She replied, Well, it looks like it might rain today. Id better get an inside cabin.
5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with — fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, Sea water. Oh, that explains why its so rough today.
6. Someone — always a man — always asks, does the ship run on generators? The Cruise Director usually tells them, No, we just have a very long power line running to the mainland.
7. What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?
Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies Id nibbled, the eggnog Id taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
Id remember the marvelous meals Id prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way Id never said, No thank you, please.
As I dressed myself in my husbands old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—
I said to myself, as I only can
You cant spend a winter disguised as a man!
So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I wont have a cookie–not even a lick.
Ill want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I wont have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
Ill munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
Im hungry, Im lonesome, and life is a bore—
But isnt that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatmen; the bitch has EVERYTHING! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered Decorator Ken, Beauty Salon Ken, or Out of Work Actor Ken? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:S&M Ken, Green Lantern Ken, Circuit Ken, Bear Ken, Master Ken. These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she canpush me away, I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations- weve talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from Hell will result in action taken by myself and others.
PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe; hes mine, at least that is what he said last night.
Sincerely, Ken
The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings had been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control].
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the seasons gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santas market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEOs annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolphs role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolphs nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, todays global challenges required the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French!]
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrade in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction is assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days in inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Santa Cluase was arrested yesterday because he blew-up a chlidrens hospital. HE said he did it because he was tired of them damn kids asking for a poney and a bike.Why cant they just ask for a barbie or a toy car like every other kid,and when i get to there place there is no food for me there is a empty plate with crumbs on it and an empty glass with a drop of milk.So I get mad.
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost
twenty-four hours on the road, theyre too tired to continue, and they decide
to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only
plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk that although its a nice hotel, the rooms certainly arent worth
$350. When the clerk tells him that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains that the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the
husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of
the shows for which the hotel is famous. The best entertainers from New York,
Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here, explains the manager. No matter what
facility the manager mentions, the man replies, But we didnt use it! The
manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He
writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. But sir, he says, this
check is only made out for $100. Thats right, says the man. I charged
you $250 for sleeping with my wife. But I didnt! exclaims the manager.
Well, the man replies, she was here, and you could have.
Twas the Night Before Christmas: Microsoft Version
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papas mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santas workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington thats just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsofts SANTA that the kids cant resist,
Its the ultimate software with a traditional twist
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get em young, keep em long, is Microsofts scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketers dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!
And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winters nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.