Old and New Jokes

A duck walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he has any fish and the bartender says,no. So the next day the duck walks into yhe bar and asks the bartender if he has any fish and the bartender says,No, I told you that yesterday. Then the next day the duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any fish.

The bartender jumps up and says,no, I dont have any fish.One more time you ask me Im gonna nail your flipper to the bar! The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender if he has any nails.


The bartender looks at him surprisingly and says, no. Well,asks the duck,do you have any fish?

What happens if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

Lettermans Top Ten List: Top Ten George W. Bush Complaints About Fahrenheit 9/11:

10. That actor who played the President was totally unconvincing

9. It oversimplified the way I stole the election

8. Too many of them fancy college-boy words

7. If Michael Moore had waited a few months, he could have included the part where I get him deported

6. Didnt have one of them hilarious monkeys who smoke cigarettes and gives people the finger

5. Of all Michael Moores accusations, only 97% are true

4. Not sure – – I passed out after a piece of popcorn lodged in my windpipe

3. Where the hell was Spider-man?

2. Couldnt hear most of the movie over Cheneys foul mouth

1. I thought this was supposed to be about dodgeball.

Saddam Hussain goes to hell and the devil is waiting there and he isnt in the best of moods, he look to Mr. Hussian and says well well well look at who we have here, i am over booked so you have the choice of 3 doors and you MUST choose one of the doors, the door you choose will be your fate for all eternity!


Mr. Hussain nods and they procceed to the first door and open it and here is Aldof Hitler diving into a pool and resurfacing then diving back in again, Mr hussian looks and shakes his head i cant swim he says


The devil shrugs and they procceed to the next door and here is Yassa Arafat hitting a rock with a pick over and over, Mr Hussian looks and shakes his head again i have this bad shoulder and cant do heavy work he says


The Devil shrugs and they proceed to the final door the devil opens it and here is Bill Clinton laying spread eagled on a torture table with Monica Lewinsky ontop of him doing what she does best, Mr Hussians eyes light up and go wide and he says hell yes i can do that


The devil smirks and says Miss Lewinsky Your Are Free To Go!

How do you know if a blonde is having a bad day??

Shes looking for her pencil and has her tampon behind her ear.

Hey, did you hear? Princess Diana was on the radio awhile ago…

…she was also on the dashboard, the steering wheel, the mirror…

One day, a man who had just turned 50 retired from his job. It was his birthday, and he was waiting for his surprise party from his wife when he got home. As he walked into his house, ther was no one there. He looked around and found a not laying on the counter. It read, Ive left you for George, were through. The man was dumbfounded, and extremely pissed. Who does she think she is? Leaving me for my best friend on my birthday? He got mad and tore up the house. On his way out, he ripped up the neighbors yard as well. He got in his car and sped down the road, going 80. He stopped at a car dealership and looked around. What the hell, he thought, Ill get the speed demon Ive always wanted. So he traded in his car and some extra cash for a speed demon. He was flying down the road, going 130 when he saw blue lights flashing. I dont care anymore, screw him. So he ran from the cops. After a grueling chase, he was stopped. Why the HELL were you speeding sir? The man smiled and replied, Well, today is my birthday, and my wife left me. I got home, but she wasnt there, because she left me. So I went for a ride by myself. Did I mention my wife left me? Then I got this hot rod, because I didnt have my nagging wife to tell me no. Then, I decided to speed because my wife wasnt here to tell me to slow down. I did mention my wife left me, didnt I officer? The officer nodded in impatience and replied, Yes, youve said that many times. But why the hell didnt you pull over when you saw the lights? The man smiled and replied, Well, when my wife left me, she left me for my best friend George. George is a cop, and I thought you were George, and I thought you were bringing her back.

What is very very flat?

A white womans ass.

Whats the difference between light and hard?

You cant go to bed with the light on.

There was a blonde driving down the road one day on her way to visit some family. She was driving down a country road that came along side a giant wheat field. When she looked over at the wheat field she was shocked to see that there was another blonde out in the wheat field in a row boat. And this woman with oars in hand was vigorously rowing! The blonde woman driving saw this and was pissed! So she stopped her car along side of this wheat field and rolled down her window and yelled out to the blonde in the boat. You know its blondes like you who give blondes like me a bad name! And if I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your ass!.