Old and New Jokes

A women has a doctors appt. and when she gets home she sees her husband of 20 years sitting on the couch. He notices a big smile on her face and asks her why she is so happy. She says Well Honey I had a Doctors appt. today and he said I had the breasts of a 20 year old…….So thats why I am so Happy! The husband replies What did he say about your 50 year old ass? The wife quickly respondes Actually Honey he never mentioned your name at all!

Day 1.



Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.



Day 2.



Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. Hes impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesnt he tell me something I dont know! I mean, he actually thinks I havent noticed.



Day 3.



This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.



Day 4.



A miracle has happened! Theres a new drug on the market that will fix his problem. Its called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.



Day 5.



What absolute bliss!!.



Day 6.



Isnt life wonderful but its difficult to write while hes doing that.



Day 7.



This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if Id like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit its very nice – I dont think Ive ever been so happy.



Day 8.



I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. Im also getting a bit sore down there.



Day 9.



No time to write. He might catch me.



Day 10.



Okay, I admit it. Im hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, hes washing the Viagra down with whip cream and whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over….



Day 11.



Im basically being screwed to death. Its like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. Hes a complete pig.



Day 12.



I wish he was gay. Ive stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous …



Day 13.



Every time I shut my eyes, theres a sneak attack! Its like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that Oops, sorry, thing again, Ill kill the *******.



Day 14.



Ive done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me.



Day 15.



I think Ill have to kill him. The cat and dog wont go near him and our friends dont come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f… himself and he did.



Day 16.



The ******* has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.



Day 17.



Switched the pills but it doesnt seem to have made any difference… Christ! Here he comes again!



Day 18.



Hes back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the telly all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

One day a woman archeologist found a magic lamp and rubbed it, and a genie popped out. you have three wishes. he said but your husband gets twice as much. i wish for a pile of dimonds poof! she got a pile of dimonds. poof! her husband got two. you have 2 wishes left. said the geinie. iwish for a pile of gold. poof! she got a pile of gold. poof! her husband got two. you have 1 wish left. remember your husband gets twice as much. so she thought real hard and finaly said i wish for you to scare me half to death.

A man sees a beautiful Grand Father Clock in a store and, just has to have it. Unfortunately, it takes all of his cash to pay for it and he cannot afford the forty dollar delivery charge. He elects to take it home himself, in the back of his Station Wagon.



As he is struggling to carry it out of the front of the store to his auto, a staggering drunk stumbles into him and knocks the clock to the sidewalk, smashing it!





The man is furrious! He shouts, WHY DONT YOU LOOK WHERE YOU ARE GOING?!





The drunk looks back at him in disgust, and replies, Why cant you carry a watch like everyone else?

After a long day at the office the woman sat back in her seat on the train and waited for it to pull out of the station. Just then a middle-aged man settled into the seat next to her. All of a sudden the man sneezed loudly, before proceeding to unzip his trousers, wiping his penis with his hankerchief. Horrified, the woman edged away and buried her head in her book…



Just then he sneezed again. Once again he unzipped himself and wiped his penis. Now very uncomfortable, the woman glared at him in disgust… but he did it again… sneezed, unzipped his trousers and wiped his penis… the woman could not contain her herself any longer.





What on earth are you doing?! She cried…



The man looked embarrassed..





Well you see, he replied, I have this cold at the moment… every time I sneeze I have an orgasm





Oh dear! exclaimed the woman, that must be terrible… What are you taking for it







…Pepper he replied.

Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets. Zeke said to Zeb, “Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea.” After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that Zebs clothes were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, “Wow, what’s going on here.” Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, “Zeb, what happened?” Zeb groaned, “I don’t know, but what’s a pinata?

The fire chief pulls up to the fire and asks the seargent hows it going? The sarg says well chief, theres two guys still inside that we cant find.The chief grabs a mask and runs inside. Hes looking all through the building. He opens a door in the back and theres one of the firemen fucking the other fireman, whos passed out, in the ass. Hey the chief yells you are supposed to be giving that guy mouth to mouth. the fireman looks at him and says how do you think this got started?

A man and his wife are spending the evening at their local boozer. After having consumed rather a lot of alcohol the man starts boasting of his intelect and the most fantastic business ideas that he thinks of when having sex, to which his wife retorts, It is of no wonder you can come up with these ideas when youre plugged into a bloody genius.

Hammer – In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.



Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.



Phillips Screwdriver – The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.



Pliers – A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.



Multi-Pliers – Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.



Electronic Stud Finder – An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.



Halogen Light – A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area youre working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.



Cordless Drill – A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.



Cordless Telephone – The handymans 911.



Air Compressor – A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.



Chainsaw – Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Ways to keep your Testosterone flowing…



1. Dont call, ever.



2. If you dont like a girl, dont tell her. Its more fun to let her figure it out by herself.



3. Lie.



4. lie.



5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.



6. Heres a good pickup line, My girlfriends pregnant, will you go out with me?



7. Drink Vernors.



8. Women want to hear all about YOU constantly!



9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you dont want to answer, a nice grunt will do.



10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isnt your fault.



11. Lie.



12. Girls find it attractive if a man has friends than baths.



13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help – dont ask.



14. Women like it when you ignore them.



15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.



16. If you dont like a girl, but cant think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, I dont know. I just dont like her personality.



17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.



18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.



19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.



20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what shes missing and love you for not giving up on her.



21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.



22. Say things like, Wha…?



23. Dont wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.



24. Lie.



25. Deny everything. Everything.



26. Good break up line, Its not you, its me.



27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, theyll really want to know.



28. Dont have a clue.



29. If you get a clue, pretend you didnt and disregard it.



30. No means yes.



31. Yes means no.



32. Lie.



33. Make up something to lie about to stay in practice. Improvise.



34. Did I mention that you should be able to lie.



35. Feelings? What feelings?



36. Never listen.



37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend its not true or kick some ass.



38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet.



39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape.



40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.



41. This is a good place to mention you should be able to lie.



42. Lie.



43. Love is not in your vocabulary. dont even think about saying it.



44. A general rule: If whatever youre doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, its really not worth it.



45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle.



46. Lie.



47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.



48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Dont.



49. Try to have a good memory, but its OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriends b-day and eye color.



50. Ignorance solves problems. If you cant see them, they cant see you.



51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.



52. Blame everything on PMS.





53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.



54. Lie.



55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you dont know.



56. Automatically assume that she doesnt know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.



57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DONT STOP! This is the desired reaction.



58. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, youre just there to stand around and look cool, right?



59. You are male, therefore you want quality.



60. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the emergency room.



61. Lie.



62. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically youve done nothing wrong.



63. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?



64. If the question begins with why, the answer is I dont know.



65. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.



66. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be grateful that youre staying with her.



67. Lie.





68. Other peoples pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.



69. Lie.



70. General Rule: Different is BAD.



71. If anyone asks you for a favor… make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, remind them of this huge favor youve done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.



72. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch wrestling.



73. Lie. (true story.)



74. If a girl breaks up with you because youre in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHEs the one who wanted to end the relationship.



75. Lie.



76. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, i.e.. when some portion of your body is on fire.



77. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo.



78. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the emergency listed in Rule 1.



79. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions love or commitment.



80. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. Pretend they arent there for as long as you can.



81. Never talk to a female, no matter how long youve known her, when youre with your friends.



82. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe its real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.



83. Tell your girlfriend she doesnt kiss as well as your ex.



84. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldnt possibly call any of your female friends, even if its local.



85. Be early for everything or dont show up at all.