For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, I think Mommy ate it!
31
Dec
31
Dec
A teacher of a language class calls upon three of her students (all boys) and tells them to make a sentence out using the two words liver and cheese.
The first boy says, I do not like liver and cheese.
The teacher tells him his sentence was boring and to please sit down.
The second boy goes up and replies, I DONT like liver and cheese!
The teacher tells him to sit down as well.
The third boy being hispanic goes up and tells the teacher I have one you will like and he replies, (with a spanish accent), Liver alone, cheese mine!
31
Dec
Three elderly men are at the doctors office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, What is three times three?
274, is his reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, Its your turn. What is three times three?
Tuesday, replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, Okay, your turn. Whats three times three?
Nine, says the third man.
Thats great! says the doctor. How did you get that?
Simple, he says, just subtract 274 from Tuesday.
31
Dec
After applying some simple algebra to some common phrases and cliches, a new understanding can be reached of the secret of wealth and success.
Here it goes.
(K)nowledge is (P)ower
(T)ime is (M)oney, and as every engineer knows,
(P)ower is (W)ork over (T)ime.
So, substituting algebraic equations for these time-worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).
Now weve got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.
What this MEANS is that:
1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do,
and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.
From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get
W = M x K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
31
Dec
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
2. Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.
Its very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize — dont ask me why — the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when Im trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. Its a terrible waste of brain cells.
After youve been in college for a year or so, youre supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, youre going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices. If you dont come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on.
Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology — subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so Ill give you a quick overview of each:
ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland.
Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.
SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, youll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or crying, behavior forms. If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.
31
Dec
Letter home from school…
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply cant think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
A week later….. a letter from home
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
31
Dec
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.
One student replied:
You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldnt make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.
Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscrapers shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work uut the height of the skyscraper.
But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l/g).
Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.
If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.
But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitors door and say to him If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper.
The student was Nils Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
31
Dec
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.
What would you say if I told you that Ive been sleeping with your best friend? she asked provocatively.
Well, he mused, Id have to say that youre a lesbian!
31
Dec
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!
Hell, thats nothing she answered, ripping open her blouse.
Look what he did to my tits!
31
Dec
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,What are you doing?
She answers, Im moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where hes going, he replies…
Im going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!