Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
31
Dec
31
Dec
A driver is stopped by a police officer.
The driver asks, Whats the problem officer?
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: Im also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didnt know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, youve known about that tail light for weeks. (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: Im also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.
Man: Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.
The man turns to his wife and yells, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, Maam, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?
The wife says, No, only when hes drunk.
31
Dec
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a shot of tequilla.
The man downs the first one, slams the glass on the bar and immediately asks for another.
The bartender gives him another shot. The man downs the second one and slams the glass on the bar again. He repeatidly asks for shots of tequilla until the bartender refuses him to give him anymore.
Disgustidly the man exits the bar cussing and yelling at the bartender making a complete fool of himself. About two minutes later the drunk comes running back in the bar in panic. He urgently asks the bartender to hand him the phone.
The drunk takes the phone and dials 911. When the police answer the phone the man says, Somebody has broken into my car.
They took my steering wheel, my accelerator and brake pedal, and even my dashboard.
The police reply that they will be down in a few minutes. The man walks out of the bar again, then returns a couple of minutes later. He picks up the phone and dials 911 again. When the police answers the phone the man says, I just called about a car that had been broken into.
Never mind I mistakenly got in the back seat.
31
Dec
A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further hes stopped by a police officer.
Officer: Good evening sir. Were testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?.
Man: Im sorry, I cant do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air.
Officer: Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test.
Man: I cant do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death.
Officer: Then youll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line.
Man: Cant do that either.
Officer: Why not?
Man: Because Im dead drunk!
31
Dec
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. The husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didnt want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.
The couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldnt be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . , at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
31
Dec
One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots.
The sheriff says Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?
Billy-Bob replies Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin. MaryLou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we stated a kissing and a-cuddlin some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to town! . . . I guess Im the first one here!
31
Dec
You might be a red neck if you refer to the 5th grade as my senior year.
31
Dec
Kudzu is green, my dogs name is Blue And Im so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blues And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You aint got no scales But I luv you anyway.
Youre as graceful as okry Jist a-dancin in the pan. Yore as fragrant as SunDrop Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud; I hold my head high When were in a crowd.
On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well, Im in hawg heaven, Im plumb outta my wits.
And speakin of wits, Youve got plenty fer shore. Cuz you married me Back in 74.
Still them fellers at work They all want to know, What I did to deserve Such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape Yore there fer yore man, To patch up lifes troubles And stick em in the can.
Yore as strong as a four-wheeler Racin through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger Named Naomi Judd.
Yore as cute as a junebug A-buzzin overhead. You aint mean like no far ant Upon which I oft tread.
Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Aint nuttin I lack.
Yore complexion, its perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin. Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin.
And when you get old Like a 57 Chevy, Wont put you on blocks And let grass grow up heavy.
Me n yous like a Moon Pie With a RC cold drank, We go together Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentines Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, Its romantic that way.
Some men git roses On that special day From the cooler at Kroger. Thats impressive, I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth. Diamonds are forever, They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, These will not do. For you are too special, You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor, Better than diamonds its a new ridin mower.
31
Dec
Q: What do a tornado, a hurricane and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to loose a house trailer.
31
Dec
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerners name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, dont panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Dont try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Dont be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it cant be fried in bacon grease, it aint worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: Yall is singular. All yall is plural. All yalls is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, You aint from around here, are you?
11. People walk slower here.
12. Dont be worried that you dont understand anyone. They dont understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective Big ol, as in big ol truck or big ol boy. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The He needed killin defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, Hey, yall, watch this! stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their cars windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something youre supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also hear expressions such as, Laud, Have mercy, Good Laud, and Laudy, Laudy, Laudy.
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, youre better off trying to find it yourself.