Approach a man you dislike who has no body hair and say, Hey, have you had a puberty vaccination?
31
Dec
31
Dec
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection.
The rabbi is accompanying him. So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?
Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us.
Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?
We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us.
And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?
The rabbi, wearily, replies, We send them to the city as well.
To the city!? And what do they send to you?
Today they have sent you to us.
31
Dec
Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.
I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but its been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling Shes in the BATHROOM!
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.
Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.
Mom
31
Dec
Cow Birthing:
============
The man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, Great… hes 5 and Im gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun – Ill just let him ask, and Ill answer. When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said,
Well Willie, do you have any questions?
Just one, gasped the pie-eyed lad. How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?
31
Dec
Somewhat skeptical of his sons newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.
Please, Dad, whined the boy, I promise Ill use them every day.
I dont know, Michael. Its really a big commitment on your part, the father pointed out.
Please, Dad?
Theyre not cheap either.
Ill use them Dad, I promise. Youll see.
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!
31
Dec
Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Suzie: Dont bite any!
31
Dec
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?
The second kid says, Im in here to get my tonsils out and Im a little nervous.
The first kid says, Youve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. Its a breeze!
The second kid then asks, What are you here for?
The first kid says, A circumcision.
And the second kid says, Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldnt walk for a year!
31
Dec
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.
How did you know? his mother asked.
Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied. I think its printed on the bottom.
31
Dec
Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52…F-16…B-2
31
Dec
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get to the other side!