Microsoft:
YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?
*****yes!******
OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WERE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. ITS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE ANTI-TRUST NONSENSE. INGRATE.
Just get on with it.
ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.
Groan.
THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.
Problems? What problems?
THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.
But Im using it at this very moment.
THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
But if the video card isnt working with the mother board then I cant very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasnt…
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE – MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.
All that?
YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DONT LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.
Well what *DOES* work?
THE MOUSE.
The mouse?
YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.
I dont have a 5 1/4 drive.
YES YOU DO.
No I dont.
WHATS THAT THEN?
Its a 3 1/2 drive.
NO IT ISNT.
Yes it is.
YOURE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.
Look, can you just install XP on my system and Ill download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?
WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?
Well it is mine.
NO IT ISNT.
It bloody well is.
NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. ITS OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.
But why?
BECAUSE THATS HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CANT VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? ILL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THATS WHERE. I… HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOURE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHATS ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOURE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE……….
C:>
A mother and daughter were walking through the park one sunny afternoon. They passed a bench where two teenagers were making out. The daughter turns to her mother and asks
What are they doing?
The mother stutters and replies
They are making cakes dear
The next day the mother took the daughter to the zoo. They went to see the gorillas. When they got there the gorillas were shagging in the cage. Again the daughter turns to the mother and asks
What are they doing?
The mother is not as shocked and remembers what she had said to her daughter in the park.
They are making cakes dear
That night the mother and father got jiggy on the sofa. The next morning the daughter comes into the kitchen and asks her mother
Mum, were you and dad making cakes on the sofa last night?
The mother was very embarrassed and turn to her daughter and said
Why dear?
To that the daughter replied
Because i just licked the icing off of the sofa
Two gay men{ Bobby and Peter) wre walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men (Peter) just cant bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs Peter, drags him into the cage and has his way with him for six hours nonstop. When hes done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and Peter is taken away to the hospital.
The next day Bobby visits him in the hospital and asks, Are you hurt?
AM I HURT?, Peter shouts, Wouldnt you be? He hasnt called, he hasnt written…….
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their
lovers (Rascal, Dumbass ,Bobby) happened to be at the funeral home at the
same time,
and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man (Rascal) said, My Benny loved to fly, so Im going up
in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.
The second man (Dumbass) said, My Carl was a good fisherman, so Im
going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.
The third man (Bobby) said, My Jim was such a good lover, I think
Im
going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my
ass up just one more time.
With apologies to Mr Poe
As I kneel, head bowed, puking,
as I choke and snort my sputum
croaking, coughing, retching, groaning,
on the bathroom floor,
I think, though brain is dizzy,
things Ive never thought before
Things Ive missed, though often spewing,
or somehow managed to ignore
While I lie bedraggled,
on the stinking cold hard floor.
Now with head a-throbbing,
oer the great white bowl Im bobbing,
Bobbing, throbbing, weaving, chucking,
surely there can be no more?
No more vomit I lay praying,
Jesus! save me now, and seal my maw
And send a team of maidens
to mop this stinking cold hard floor
And if you do, I promise,
on my honour, Nevermore!
But lo! my guts ill-fated,
and my heaves are unabated,
And now my thoughts turn back
to whence they were before,
As Im squirming, smacking, flopping,
like a spastic being ignored.
And no maidens do I hear,
not one wet-wipe does appear,
Nought but dread convulsions
on the stinking cold hard floor.
Tis curious, I wonder,
as I purge more sauce-filled chunder,
How the saucy slick of chunder,
appears, oh what a wonder!
As a likeness of myself
such as Ive never seen before
As a likeness of myself,
writhing on the cold hard floor
And the likeness set me thinking,
how my doping, not my drinking,
could result in such a stinking,
stinking on the cold hard floor.
And two things I did conclude,
Thank you, torrid interlude!
And thank you Gods, all praise to you,
for theres truth in floating spew.
The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and
women lay better.
Theres this cucumber thats dating this tomato.
the tomato says to the cucumber; i dont really like you.
so the cucumber replies; thats ok, cuz youre not my type!
*note-this joke works especially well on irritating telephone solicitors*
There was a man on his way to work. and his truck ran out of gas. so he gets out looks around.theres a house about 3/4 of a mile down the rode. And another house about 1/2 mile . So he decides to go to the closest one. He gets to house and is about to knock. when he looks in the window. he sees a man sitting in a recliner. wacking his pud and twirling his finger in a fish tank. there also was a olady standing infront of him pushing a lawnmower back and forth on the carpert. so hes like fuck this im going to the other house. he gets there. knocks and a man anwsers the door. he asks whats the problem. he tells the man about him running out of gas about 3/4 of a mile down the road. he telles him yeh ill help. but first. will you tell me why you didnt go to the house 1/2 mile away? the man replys .i did but there fuckin crazy!! i got there and there was a man wacking his pud. with his other hand in the fish tank. twirling his finger around and an olady running a lawnmower back and forth across the capet!!! the man says there not crazy. there acouple of deaf mutes !! the olady is telling him to go mow the lawn. and hes saying. go fuck your self im going fishing!!!!!!
A little boy was selling fish at the corner. Damn fish here! Get your Damn fish here! When a bishop walks by. My son you dont have to use such profoned launguage. he says No Sir. i got them from a Dam. so the bishop byes some and went home.
He hand s his wife the fish and saysHoney will you cook my Damn Fish? the wife replies No i got them from a boy who got them from a Dam.
so the wife cooks them. later on at dinner time the father the mother and there son were all eating when the dad says to the son Please pass the Damn Fish. the boy says Right on dad! will you please pass the Fucking potatos?
You dont have to hide your fishing magazines.
Its perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to fish with
you once in
a while.
Your fishing partner doesnt get upset about people you
fished with long
ago.
Its perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger.
When you see a really good fisher person, you dont have to
feel guilty
about imagining the two of you fishing in boat
together.
If your regular fishing partner isnt available, he/she
wont object if
you fish with someone else.
Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you fish
by yourself.
You can have a fishing calendar on your wall at the office,
tell fishing
jokes, and invite co-workers to fish with you
without getting sued for
harassment.
There are no fishing-transmitted diseases.
If you want to watch fishing on television, you dont have
to subscribe
to the Playboy channel.
Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the
rest of your life.
Your fishing partner will never say, Not again? We just
fished last week!
Is fishing all you ever think about?