What does Ford stand for?
Found On Rednecks Driveway!
31
Dec
31
Dec
Soon after the Texas Aggie clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When the Aggie returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if he had received bad news.
Shure was, Boss he replied, I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.
Gosh, thats awful, replied the foreman Do you want the rest of the day off?
No, replied the Aggie. Ill finish the day out.
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him up front. This time when the Aggie returned he looked twice as glum and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
Jezz, Boss this has to be the worst day of my life, Moaned the Aggie.
That was my brother, and his mother died today too!
31
Dec
The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about todays lesson.
Ill say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Lets begin. A
All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like ass or asshole. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said apple.
Very good, said the teacher, now B.
Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said ball.
This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to R. Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.
The teacher thought and thought and couldnt think of a bad word that started with R. So she picked Johnny.
Johnny stands up and says: R…Rat…a big, fat, fuckin Rat!
31
Dec
Q: What goes TICK-TICK, WOOF-WOOF?
A: A watchdog!
Q: Why do male deer need braces?
A: Because they have buck teeth!
31
Dec
Why was the belt arrested?
Because it held up a pair of pants!
31
Dec
What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesnt believe in retaliation:
1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
2. When he says No, ask, Why not?
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence.
4. When hes in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.
8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.
31
Dec
Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
31
Dec
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN – A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
31
Dec
The Ages of Woman:
1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows its down there but who gives a damn?
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The Ages of Man: (read these ones carefully)
1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly.
2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly.
3. Over 47: Try weakly.
31
Dec
Q. What have a woman and a condom got in common.
A. They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick!