Old and New Jokes

A guy was stranded on a lonely island with only a pitbull and a pig for company. There was plenty of food and fresh water, so he was doing alright for a few months. But eventually the loneliness got to him, if you know what I mean.

The pig started to look more and more attractive – soft, pink skin, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy tried to make an advance towards the pig, the pitbull growled at him. Once he almost got bit. The guy was getting very frustrated.

One day a life raft washed ashore. In it was a beautiful unconscious woman. The guy carried her back to his hut and nursed her back to health. After a few days the woman regained her strength and said: Thank you, thank you so much for saving my life! I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything you want! The guy thought for a moment and said, Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?

Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once youve created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of business, theres no telling how far youll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.

Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.

Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.

Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, nows a great time to buy, I tell ya!

Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining… Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, nows a great time to buy, I tell ya!

Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior.

Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.

Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.

Reality: You are playing Tetris.

Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.

Reality: You are paying your electric bill.

Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual.

Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual.

Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.

Reality: You have pressed Escape just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, Wow, these seats are big! The person next to him answered, Everything is big in Texas.

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, Wow these mugs are big! The bartender replied, Everything is big in Texas.

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, Second door to the right. The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, Dont flush, dont flush!

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesnt have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, Im blonde, Im smart, I have a good job, and Im staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats Im blonde, Im smart, I have a good job and Im staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. The head stewardesses doesnt even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, I told her the front half of the airplane wasnt going to Jamaica.

Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean?

a. Its hungry.
b. Its lost.
c. Youre hungry.
d. Let the begging begin.

Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this?

a. Supper.
b. Something s/he obviously wouldnt eat.
c. Something to keep you going till suppers ready.
d. Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat.

Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean?

a. Youre in trouble – better not do it again.
b. Nothing – humans do this from time to time.
c. The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
d. It is time to chew on the cable wire again.

Staircases are for:

a. Getting up to the humans bed at 4am.
b. Lying in wait in the dark at the top of.
c. Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
d. All of the above.

Your human talks/yells at you. You should:

a. Listen intently, even if you dont understand.
b. Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing.
c. Ignore him/her completely; youre a cat, they mean nothing.
d. Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their talking behavior.

Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:

a. Important to humans and should be left alone.
b. Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what damage may result.
c. Annoying and should be removed immediately.

Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:

a. Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed).
b. Played with until they stop playing.
c. Presented to your human as a proud trophy.
d. Hidden under your humans pillow for safe keeping.
e. Consumed for their nutritional value.

A human giving you a bath should be considered:

a. Under no circumstances.
b. Under no circumstances.
c. Under no circumstances.
d. An act of war.
e. All of the above.

Your humans value is limited to:

a. Providing food.
b. Providing water.
c. Letting you out.
d. Providing opposite-gender feline companionship.
e. Leaving you alone.
f. All of the above; if properly trained.

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasnt Seen in Years

On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.

The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.

Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Sign from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

Sign in an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

Sign in a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist: Beware of bargains in 1. Parachutes 2. Life preservers 3. Brain surgery 4. Eye Care

Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX: Nobody reads billboards…. But you just did 🙂

An ad on the subway in NYC: Learn to read and speak English. Call us now.

An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed.

Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: Used beer department.

Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Why are wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isnt 11 pronounced onety one?