Old and New Jokes

Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses problems. We met a good friend of ours recently, the morning after his wedding, brooding over a drink in a local bar.

What’s the trouble? we asked. I should think you’d be the happiest man in the world today.



He shook his head sadly. What creatures of habit we are, he said. This morning when I rose, half asleep, without thinking, I pulled a $50 bill from my wallet and left it on the pillow.



We tried to console him and told him his wife wouldnt think anything of it.



You dont understand, he said. Half asleep, without thinking, she gave me twenty dollars change.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

Well, how was the honeymoon? asked the mother.



Oh mamma! she exclaimed. Tthe honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic! No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Hes been saying things Ive never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!



Now Sarah . . . her mother answered. Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?



Please dont make me tell you, mamma. wept the daughter. Im so embarrassed! Theyre just too awful! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!



Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!



Still sobbing, the bride replied, Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.



Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the



same time,and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.





The first man said, My Benny loved to fly, so Im going up



in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.





The second man said, My Carl was a good fisherman, so Im



going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake





The third man (Bobby) said, My Jim was such a good lover, I think



Im



going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my



ass up just one more time.

One day a doctor a lawyer and a bum go into a strip joint. the doctor pulls out a 100$, licks it and slaps it on the stripper then the lawyer (not wanting to be out done) pulls out 200$, licks it, and slaps it on the stripper. The bum pulls out a stolen credit card, swipes it down the strippers ass and takes alll of the money.

Knock knock

whose there?

willy

willy who?

willy he bang me harder?

Knock Knock.

Whos there?



Shelby.



Shelby who?



Shelby comin round the mountain when she comes.

A big time lawyer from New York went duck huting in Kansas. He shot a duck while it was in the air. It happen to land in a feild next to were he was hunting. Across a fence.



A farmer was in the feild with his tractor and saw it land on his side. The lawyer climb the fence to go get the duck.





As he reach for it. The farmer said. Put that down. Thats my duck. The lawyer said no its not. I shot it. its mine. The farmer said it landed on my feild its mine.





The lawyer told the farmer that he was the best lawyer in N.Y. and he would sue him for every thing he has.





The farmer said in Kansas we dont sue people to settle dispute. We do by the 1,2, 3 kick.





The lawyer said. The 1, 2, 3 kick. Whats that.





The farmer said we kick each other until one give up. And the one who give up first can have the duck.





The lawyer was a body builder also. As he size up the farmer as he got off his tractor. He agreed to the 1, 2, 3 kick.





The farmer said. I get to go first. cause the duck landed in my field. The lawyer said ok.





Well the farmer kick him in the growing and the lawyer bent over in pain. Then the farmer kick him in the nose. all most took it off. As the lawyer tryed to get up. The farmer went and kick him in the kidnees,





The lawyer went down hard. As he muster all his strength he had to get to his feet.





He Said. NOW ITS MY TURN.





The farmer said. Nope I give up.



You can have the duck.

Two guys decide to go on a hunting trip. When there friend hears about it, he begges to go. The two men are skeptical, because every time there friend goes, he scares away all the game. The friend promises that if he is allowed to go, he will stay at the camp site, because he likes to camp more than hunt. They agree and they start on their trip.



Once camp is set up, the two men decide to go hunt, and their friend stays behind. After several hours they finally spot a ten point buck, but a shrill scream scares the buck away. The two men run back to camp, only to find their friend standing there looking up into the trees.



Whats wrong? They asked.



Yeah, you scared off our game.



Im sorry, fellas. I didnt screm when the snake fell out of the tree and wrapped aound my neck. I didnt yell when the bear came out of the woods and mauled me nearly to death. But those SQUIRELS…



What had happened to the poor man was that two squirels had climbed up his pants leg. The first squirel asked the second, Do we eat them NOW, or do we take them HOME?.

The first day of bear hunting season and the hunter is walking down the trail. He comes to a clearing and sees a very large bear in plain sight and takes a shot. When the smoke clears he looks and doesnt see the bear. Suddenly he feels something tapping him on the shoulder, It is the bear and the bear accuses him of trying to shoot him. The hunter denies this repeatedly but the bear makes the hunter pull down his pants and bend over a log where the bear has his way with the hunter. The bear finishes and goes on his way.



The next morning the hunter is ready for a little payback. He is walking down the same trail and sees the same bear. This time the hunter cleans his sight and takes better aim. When the smoke clears he looks and finds the bear gone again. He throws his rifle down and starts cursing. Then the hunter feels a tap on his shoulder. The bear again accuses the hunter of trying to shoot him. The hunter persistently denies until the bear makes him pull down his pants and bend over the log again. After the bear is finished the hunter hobbles back to his camp.





The third morning the hunter is ready to make the bear pay for the last two days indescressions. He was up all night cleaning his rifle and adjusting his scope. He finds the same bear at the same clearing and takes very careful sight. He slowly squeezes of the shot and when the smoke clears he once again missed the bear. He takes his rifle and throws it into the woods.





At that moment the bear taps him on the shoulder and says you dint come here to hunt, did you?.

One day 3 guys go hunting John, Jeff and BJ. John gets the frist kill of the day with a 12 point Buck. While hes guting it Jeff has to take a crap, so he tells BJ and John and runs off. Jeff took off his pants got on a tree branch and fell a sleep. BJ takes the Deer guts and puts them under where jeff is siting making jeff think he craped out all his guts. 1 hour later Jeff comes charging up the hill saying Hay guys you cant beleve what happend to me !!! I fell asleep taking a crap and shited out all my guts. But thank god and these two fingers I got them back up there!