Old and New Jokes

An old guy walks into a bar on night. and was telling about all of his hunting experiences and one guy asked him what is the most painful momet you have had hunting. and he said he was hunting deer in canada and had to take a shit. So he found a tree and leaned against it and when his balls saged down a bear trap jumped up and grabed his balls.and he jumed into the air.And the guy said wow I can see why that is the most painful momet ever and he said no that is only the second most painful momet. The most painful was when I ran out of chain.

Q:what is a ghosts favorit road?





A:A dead end.

One day these 3 friends went hunting in the forest. As they are walking along they are ambushed by a primative tribe. They were all taken back to the camp and one by one tied to three seperate trees.

Then the big chief comes out of his toupee and stares each guy in the face, he then turns to the tribe and says Death or Bongo.



There is a fierce uproar and the tribe begins to chant Bongo,Bongo,Bongo!



The chief then turns to the men and asks the first one Death or bongo?



The first man replys I dont like the sound of death so it will have to be bongo



So 10 men come out of the tribe and begin to bugger him up the arse!!



The chief then turns to the second man and asks the same question.



he replys, slightly hesitant through bongo



so 30 men come and bugger him up the arse!!



The third man,who is now quite distressed decided that he would rather die than be subjected to this horrible ordeal.



So the chief asks him Death or Bongo?



death!! he said I would rather die then have Bongo!!



The chief then smiled and replyed



so be it, DEATH………BY BONGO!

There was a Genie that saw a bear chasing a rabbit the genie said if the bear stops he will grant them each two wishes. They Agree the bear says I want to have the bigest penis that any bear ever had so it is granted the rabbit says I want a motorcycle the genie shrugs and grants his wish. Then the bear said I want all the bears but me to be female that is also granted then the rabbit starts his motorcycle and says I wish the bear was gay and rides off.

There was this flea and he was walking along the beach and he looked down and found a lamp so he rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out and granted the flea three wishes so the fleas first wish was to be on benji so poof he was on benji about two weeks later he came back to the genie and the genie asked him whats the matter the flea said well benji scratched to much and took to many flea dips and i almost died so the fleas next wish was to be on willie nelsons beard hear so poof he was then about four weeks later the flea came back to the genie and the genie asked what was the matter so the flea said well willie smoked to much and the smoke would get caught in his beard and i almost died so his next wish was to be on dollie partons pubes (pubic hair) so poof he was there about six later he came back to the genie looking really confused so the genie was like whats the matter i thought i got rid of you on that one and the flea says i thought you did to but some how i ended up on willie nelsons beard again!

A guy was walking down the beach and found a bottle and picked it up. A genie appeared and said, Thank you for releasing me. As a reward I will grant you 3 wishes.

So the man said, I wish for a million dollars. and he got a million dollars. The man said, I wish for a luxury car, and he got a luxury car. The genie said, Before you make your third wish, I must tell you I am a duel genie. Whatever you wish for, your wife gets double that. Shes already got 2 million dollars and 2 luxury cars. Do you want to make a third wish?



Yeah, said the man, Beat me half to death!

One day a man (who hates lawyers)found a lamp along the beach.he rubbed it and a genie popped out.she said,i will give you three wishes….but there is a catch!the man said,a catch?the genie said,yes,whatever you wish for every lawyer gets double.he said,ok… my first wish will be…..a ferrari!poof!now every lawyer has 2 ferrarisi have always wanted to

have a million dollars !poof! now every lawyer has 2 million dollars.ummmm….i have always wanted to donate a kidney?poof!



now every lawyer has donated two kidneys!

A man goes into a bar, sits down, and looks at the drunk guy next to him. he asks the drunk if he wants to see something amazing; the drunk says yeah, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny grand piano and a little man who proceeds to play beethoven, bach, etc… the drunk is severely impressed and asks the guy where he got the little man; he tells him that he found a genie one day in africa and was granted 3 wishes for setting it free from its bottle. the drunk asked him what else he wished for and received the answer nothing; its a fucked-up genie. the drunk asked if he could borrow the genie for a few minutes…the man said no…its a fucked-up genie! the drunk pulled out his wallet and offered the man a thousand dollars to let him borrow the genie for five minutes and the man reluctantly agreed with the admonition that it was a fucked-up genie. the drunk walked outside the bar with the genies bottle and there came a huge blast of light…the drunk came back in followed by a large flock of baby ducks, looked at the man and said youre right; that is a fucked-up genie…i wished for a million bucks and got a million ducks!! the man looked at the drunk and said i told you it was a fucked-up genie; do you REALLY think i wished for an eight-inch pianist?

An American, Australian and Englishman where stranded together on a desert island. After many years together, one day the three men were walking on the beach when they saw an old bottle than had been washed up. Immediatley the American opened the bottle. There was a flash and a loud bang and a Genie appeared. The Genie said I have been trapped in that bottle for a 1000 years, and as a reward I will give you all one wish

The American straight away said I want to go back home to New York



With a wave of the Genies hand, the American disappeared.



The Australian said Please send me back to my home in Sydney



No Problem, the Genie answered. And the Austrialian disappear.



Suddenly there was a loud crash. Behind the Genie and the Englishman, a giant pink elephant had just fallen out of the sky onto the beach. The elephant picked himself up and looked around. He then looked at the Genie and the Englishman and said apologetically, Sorry chaps, I appear to be the wrong joke!

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.



The man cheers, Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.



First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account. Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.



He continues, Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here. Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.



He continues,Finally, I want to be irresistible to women. Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.