A game warden spots a young lad walking down the street with 30 large catfish in his arms. He stops and asks the young fellow where he managed to catch all those fish. The young boy points and says just over yonder. The game warden says boy, Ive been fishing around these parts for years….and I never got those many fish…..can I go fishing with you tomorrow? The boy gladly says yes and asked the warden to join him first thing in the morning by a certain area.
The next morning the warden and the young boy head out. The boy rows the boat out 50 feet and then stops. The warden asks what he was doing and the boy says this is where we are going to fish. The warden says Ive fished here before and never got many fish. It was then that the little boy pulls a stick of dynamite out of a box, lights it and throws it out into the water. A loud explosion follows and many dead fish float to the surface. The game warden is amazed and angry and says to the boy, that he cant do that and that he will have to arrest the young lad for fishing that way.
The young lad calmly pulls out another stick of dynamite, lights it, and hands it to the game warden and says…..whatca going to do…bitch about it…..or fish.
Man walks up to bank teller and saysI wanna open a damn savings account Teller says thats fine sir,but you dont have to use profanity,to which the man replys,just let me have a goddamn savings accout. Sir,the teller says,that type of language will not be tolerated here,perhaps you should speak to my boss. FINE,says the man,get the son of a bitch.The tellers boss comes over and says,what seems to be the problem? The man says,I just won 5 million in the lottery,and all I want to do is open a goddamn savings account. and the boss says,And this Bitch wont help you?
What does Philip Christy and Elton John have in common? They both play the skin flute!!!
It has come to our attention recently that many of you
have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts
of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (Code 5309). However,
we need to know exactly what you are doing during your
unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended
job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of
precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let
us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you,
Accounting
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Code Description
****************
5316 – Useless Meeting
5317 – Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 – Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 – Waiting for Break
5320 – Waiting for Lunch
5321 – Waiting for End of Day
5322 – Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 – Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While
Coworker is Not Present
5393 – Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 – Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not
Interested in Learning
5401 – Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 – Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 – Buying Snack
5482 – Eating Snack
5500 – Filling Out Timesheet
5501 – Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 – Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 – Scratching Yourself
5504 – Sleeping
5510 – Feeling Bored
5511 – Feeling Horny
5600 – Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 – Complaining About Low Pay
5602 – Complaining About Long Hours
5603 – Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 – Complaining About Boss
5605 – Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 – Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 – Not Actually Present At Job
5702 – Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 – Ordering Out
6103 – Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 – Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 – Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 – Stealing Company Goods
6202 – Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company
Goods
6203 – Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 – Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 – Hiding from Boss
6206 – Gossip
6207 – Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 – Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 – Updating Resume
6212 – Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 – Out of Office on Interview
6221 – Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 – Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 – Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 – Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality
They Are Jerks
6238 – Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 – Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 – Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 – Complaining
6603 – Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 – Staring Into Space
6612 – Staring At Computer Screen
6615 – Transcendental Meditation
6969 – Beating off in Broom Closet
7281 – Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 – Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 – Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 – Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 – Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 – Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 – Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 – Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 – Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 – Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 – Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 – Recreational Drug Use
8001 – Non-Recreational Drug Use
8002 – Liquid Lunch
8100 – Reading e-mail
8102 – Laughing while reading e-mail
Yo mama so poor ,when i rang the doorbell at yo house,she stuck her bald, over wrinkeled face out the the window and saidding dong.
A dog walks into a bar and instead of rapping says to the bar tender Hey, Dog! How about a beer The dog drinks it and goes to the restroom. In the restroom he meets other dogs. All dogs Rap, and cuss thats how you know a DOG.
Boy:My uncle is in Leavenworth because he made big money.
Girl:How much?
Boy:About a third of an inch too big.
How did the man feel when he recieved a big bill from the electrick company?
answer He was shocked.
How to manage them so you can read this site at work.
When told to do something that cant be done… argue a bit, then go play solitaire for awhile. After about 2 or 3 hours, come back and say I tried… sorry, it cant be done. Usually this will satisfy their insistence on their ideas at least be tried.
Dont provide solutions, just more and more issues and questions.
Do EXACTLY what they tell you. This works well for bosses who have no idea whats going on and only use vague statements. You cant get in trouble for doing what they say…
Make references to the nice weather and how you should would like to be out there golfing. Eventually they will grow tired of hearing you and go play golf.
When your boss comes near you, start to sniffle or cough… and be sure to warn them that you might be getting that nasty cold that so and so has had for the last month. I have found that this quickly sends bosses hiding for cover in their office.
Send formal proposals for everything including making coffee, and all other miniscule tasks. Be sure to discuss them frequently with your boss, and they will learn to avoid you.
Create things like safety checklists and perform them often. Claim the safety department requires it… or better yet… its a QS requirement.
On really nice days, keep bringing up unsolvable issues and problems until they get stressed and go play golf.
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There is this kid who is being very bad and he asks his father Ill be good for $100 and his dad says Son, when I was your age, I was good for nothing.