Old and New Jokes

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister,When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, Ill contact you to drive out after me and haul it home. The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that Ive bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. The telegraph operator explains that hell be glad to help her, then adds, Its just 99 cents a word. Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that shell only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word, comfortable. The telegraph operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable?" The brunette explains, My sisters blonde. Shell read it slow.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

Q. What did Jesus say at the Last Supper?

A. If you boys want to get in the picture, sit on this side of the table.

There once was an explorer in a distant land who was granted an audience with the ruler of the kingdom. After being taken through a large, ornate castle, he was introduced to the king. The king was an impressive figure except for one unusual feature, his head was quite small, about the size of a small grapefruit. After talking with the king for some time, the explorer could not contain his curiosity any longer, and asked the king about the size of his head.

After a pause, the king explained that he had not always been a king, and had in fact, been a fisherman when much younger. One day, while out fishing, he had pulled in his net, and found a mermaid in the net.

From the waist up, the mermaid was a very beautiful woman, from the waist down, a fish. The fisherman was preparing to take the mermaid to market to sell as a curiosity, when the mermaid spoke, and told him that she was a magic mermaid.

The mermaid told the fisherman that if he would let her go, she would grant him three wishes. The fisherman agreed to this, and asked for gold, jewels, and other riches. Immediately, these appeared. Next, he asked to be made a king, and to have a kingdom to rule, with a fabulous castle. These appeared also.

The mermaid asked what his third wish was. Since he had been noticing how beautiful her woman half was, he said that he wanted to make love with her. To this, the mermaid replied that since she was only half woman, this was not possible. The fisherman then said Well in that case, can you give me a little head?

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WERE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victorias Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Ladys Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsofts Web Site: IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes? St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since hes the one that made him.

So the zebra asked God, God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?
God answered, You are what you are. The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him,
Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes…
What was the answer, St. Peter asked. Well I still dont know. All He said was: You are what you are. Well that answers it, Said St. Peter. Youre a white horse with black stripes. How do you know that? asked the zebra. Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said: You is what you is.

10. Sag! Youre it!

9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.

7. Kick the bucket.

6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

5. Doc, doc, goose.

4. Simon says something incoherent.

3. Musical recliners.

2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.

AND THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS… 1. Hide and go pee!

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldnt know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and hed stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says Father forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks What did you do?.

The woman says I Committed adultery.

Priest: How many times?

Woman: Three times.

Priest: Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says Father forgive me for I have sinned.

Priest: What did you do?

Woman: I committed adultery.

Priest: How many times?

Woman: Three times.

Priest: Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks hes got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says Father forgive me for I have sinned.

Rabbi: What did you do?

Woman: I committed adultery.

Rabbi: How many times?

Woman: Just once.

Rabbi: Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?

A: Thanks for the refill!

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the Pharmacist for some arsenic.
The Pharmacist asks, Maam, what do you want to do with arsenic? The lady says, Kill my husband.
I cant sell it to you for that reason says he Pharmacist. The lady reaches into her purse, pulls out a photo and hands it to the Pharmacist.
The photo is of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the lady is the Pharmacists wife. He looks at the photo and says, Oh, I didnt realize you had a prescription.

Men, want to know where you stand in the rough-and-tumble, give-and-take
world of relationships? Heres your score card from the Mens Journal
of Health.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and
points are subtracted. You dont get any points for doing something she
expects– sorry, thats the way the game is played.

Simple Duties

You make sure theres plenty of gas in the car +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes
in the car to make it to the nearest gas station -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb. +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck
pulls away. -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish +1
You leave them under the bed -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
with wings. +5
But return with beer. -5
You leave the toilet seat up -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when its empty 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly
to the next bathroom -2
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and its nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and its something +5
You pummel it with a six iron.+10
Its her father-10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy. -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants. -8
When mingling, you hold your mates hand and gaze
at her lovingly. +1
When mingling, you introduce her as the ol ball and chain
and pat her on the rump -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, Yes, but nowhere near
as attractive as you. +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think shes
attractive, you say, Yeah, but dont worry, shes lousy
in bed -6
That woman is her sister-90
You have one drink, and thats it 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.-18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

You unclog a stopped-up toilet +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit +7
You get rid of a dead rodent +8
You remove the collie from the thresher+12
You take her mother to see Cats+16

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
park the car +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
to a sports bar -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk. +3
Most of it chips and beer -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.+15
Or refinishing the floors+16
Or rewiring the basement+17
Or adding a second floor+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket -6
And youre tickled pink about it.-15
You visit her parents +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television -3
And the television is off -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear. -6
And you didnt even go to college-10
And its not your underwear-15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner. 0
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And its all-you-can-eat night -3
Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and sing +4
And you stink +2
And youre not half bad. +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and youre escorted out
to much applause. -2
You give her a gift 0
You give her a gift, and its a small appliance.-10
You give her a gift, and its not a small appliance +1
You give her a gift, and it isnt chocolate +2
You give her a gift that youll be paying off for months.+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day-10
With her credit card.-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big.-40

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely-10
You forget your anniversary-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station.-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast-50

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal. -5
And the pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single. -7
And he drives a Trans Am-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)-15
You have a few beers. -9
And miss curfew by an hour.-12
You get home at 3 am.-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars-30
And not wearing any pants-40
Is that a tattoo???-200

Her Night Out

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends. +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home
late.+10
You wait up.+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed+20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
but not before she pukes in the bathroom.+25
Which you clean up+35

A Night At Home

You watch TV together 0
You rent a movie +1
You rent a movie and its SENSE & SENSIBILITY +3
Its SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout +5
Its SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep. -1
Its SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool -2

A Night Out

You take her to a movie. +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) +6
You take her to a movie you like. -2
Its called DeathCop 3 -7
Which features cyborgs having sex -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs-15

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when its expected 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it +5
You give her wildflowers youve actually picked yourself.+10
And she contracts Lyme disease-25

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it+10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts -5

Grooming

You trim your nails +5
You trim your nails in the living room.-10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat-15
You shave on the weekends +2
You dont shave on the weekends -4
You dont bathe on the weekends either. -8
But then, neither does she. +8

Finances

You spend a lot of money on something impractical -5
Something she cant use.-10
Such as a motorized model airplane-20
And your kid needs braces-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.-120

Driving

You lose the directions on a trip -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt-60

The Big Question

She asks, Do I look fat?
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
. -5
You hesitate in responding.-10
You reply, Where?-25

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV+10
She realizes this is because youve fallen asleep-10