Q: How did the blonde try to kill her bird?



A: She threw it off a cliff.

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and youll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!







DAY ONE



Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.



Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.



Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.



Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouses or partners plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.







DAY TWO



Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.



Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.



Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.



Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.







DAY THREE



Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouses or partners cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.



Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.



Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.







FINAL DAY



Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouses or partners pillow.



Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last nights chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.



Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

Having a man in your life is like a deck of cards:



You need a heart to love them.



You need a diamond to marry them.



You need a club to beat them.



And you need a spade to bury the bastards.

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. I assume, she snarled, that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six oclock in the morning?

There is. he replied, Breakfast.

He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up plowing for those who kept their swords.

The language spoken in Cuba.

If you cant convince them, confuse them.

This story is well known in this country. Some say that its true.

A very tolerant woman is finally widowed. She decides to have her
husband cremated. After the ceremony, she brings the ashes home with her, and
pours them into an egg-timer. Then she says, Now youll work, you bum!!

Peter OToole,
Trinity College Dublin.

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
They both hope to be human someday.

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses they were protecting. Feeling the heat from the police, they decided to use a deaf person for the job. That way, should he get caught, he would be unable to communicate to the police what he was doing. During his first week on the job, the deaf collector picks up over $60,000. He quickly becomes greedy, decides to keep the money and hides it in a safe place. Realizing that their collection is late, the mafia sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf man and ask him where the money is. Since the deaf collector is unable to communicate with them, they drag him to an interpreter. The mafia hood tells the interpreter, Ask him where da money is. The interpreter signs Wheres the money? to the deaf man. The deaf man signs back, I dont know what youre talking about. The interpreter says to the hood, He says he doesnt know what youre talking about. The hood takes out a pistol, places it in the deaf collectors ear and says, NOW, ask him where da money is. Again the interpreter signs, Wheres the money? The deaf man signs, The $60,000 is in Central Park. Its hidden in the fifth tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate. The interpreter turns to the hood and says, He says he still doesnt know what youre talking about and doesnt think you have the guts to pull the trigger!