A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why? The man replies, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.
31
Dec
31
Dec
A neutron walks into a bar. Id like a beer he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
How much will that be? asks the neutron.
For you? replies the bartender, no charge
31
Dec
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.
31
Dec
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: Drinks for all on me including you, bartender. So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: That will be $36.50 please. The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. What, no drink for me? replies the bartender. Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.
31
Dec
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, We dont serve your kind in here.
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, Why not? Were cultured individuals.
31
Dec
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics shed be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
Tell me, she said suspiciously, what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?
The actuary looked through his tables and said, A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.
She nodded, then thought for a moment. So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?
Again he went through his tables.
Extremely remote, he said. About one in a billion.
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
31
Dec
This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!
31
Dec
1. BadAir: When you just cant wait for the world to come to you.
2. BadAir: Were Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On certain flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Dont worry. Well turn them off.
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11. If you think its so easy, get your own plane!
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.
15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16. Bring a bathing suit.
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.
20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.
31
Dec
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $5.
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, OK, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $100!
This catches the engineers attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. Whats the distance from the earth to the moon? The engineer doesnt say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, its the engineers turn. He asks the programmer What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks Well, so whats the answer? Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
31
Dec
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a planes windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesnt crack from the carcass impact, itll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive theyre developing.
They borrowed the FAAs chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineers chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.