Old and New Jokes

Disturbing product of the month:

Armour Pork Brains with Milk Gravy

Where and when bought: Ingles supermarket, Asheville, N.C., October 1995,
for 73 cents. Bonus points: That delicious milk gravy. Extra special
bonus points: Contains a mighty 1,170 percent of the U.S. recommended
daily allowance for cholesterol.

Yes, thats no typo – 1,170 percent. Suggested alternative use: Switch
label with a fruit cocktail cans for a horrific lunchbox prank. Company
defense: People loveem! piped Nancy Dedera, spokeswoman for
Phoenix-based Dial Corp., owner of Armour. But, alas, we couldnt discover
the breadth of that love, because she refused to release sales figures.
A brain-eater herself (she likes hers with hot sauce), Dedera brushed
aside concerns about the whopping cholesterol count, saying, If youre
going to eat brains, youre not going to worry about cholesterol. Good
point.

Nearly everyone knows that Judith Martin, better known as Miss
Manners, the syndicated columnist, is exceedingly correct. Last
week, she saw an advertisement in the newspaper that a Maryland
jewelry store was having a sale in her silver pattern. Upon arriving
at the store, she told the jeweler she was looking for additional
dessert spoons in her pattern and had been making do with the larger
soup spoons.

Thats not much of a hardship, the employee said. It is
for me, Martin responded. Caught up in the moment, the saleswoman
joked, Who do you think you are, Miss Manners? The easily
recognizable Miss Manners looked at the woman, unable to respond. And
then it registered. Oh my God! the saleswoman said.

from the Jan 26 San Jose Mercury News

I dont usually pass on unhappy news like this, and I know you are busy,
but sometimes we have to pause and remember the things that have deeply
affected our lives. The entertainment world experienced a great loss
today. The composer of the song Hokey Pokey died. What really made his
passing so distressing is that they had trouble keeping the body in the
casket.

Theyd put his left leg in, hed put his left leg out… and…well, you
know the rest…

Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?

A: Bucket seats.

Miami, FL motorist Alvin Sims didnt notice that his truck had
smacked into a utility pole and his passenger was dead until the
police stopped his car.

Donna Richardson, 29, was hanging her head out of the window of her
boy friends 1993 Chevrolet truck early Saturday – she was vomiting –
when the truck suddenly veered. Her head slammed a pole and she died
instantly, police said Monday. Sims, 36. kept driving.

Metro-Dade police said when an officer stopped the truck several
miles later – its right mirror and antenna were damaged. Sims told
police that he was looking for a hospital because his passenger was
sick.

Apparently, he thought he hit a puddle and did not see that he had
killed her.

Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the
Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in
apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up
completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery
was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads.
The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a
complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out
that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harriers
target-seeker had locked on to the enemy radar and triggered an
automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?) the
Harrier was operating unarmed.

Taking Amateur Night Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival
in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no
bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored
in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, Its just one bull
against [a town of] a thousand morons.

So they know when to stop having sex!

One that never misses a period.

Too many blondes were drowning.