Old and New Jokes

She slipped off and fell down the drain.

…was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didnt have a crazy cat?

– The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

What was the first thing the pope said when he met the Devil?

Oh, my god.

The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all
assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states,
I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news. Of
course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope
tells them, Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of
judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified.

After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up,
asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, He was calling from
Salt Lake City.

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher
of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the
new student. She asks the class, Who was the greatest man that ever lived?
A girl raises her hand and says, I think George Washington was the greatest
man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country. The teacher
replies, Well…thats a good answer, but thats not the answer I am looking
for. Another young student raises his hand and says, I think Abraham
Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped
end the civil war. … Well, thats another good answer, but that is not
the one I was looking for. Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and
says, I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived. The
teachers mouth drops open in astonishment. Yes!, she says, thats the
answer I was looking for. She then brings him up to the front of the
classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy
approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says Why did you say,
Jesus Christ? The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, I know
its Moses, and YOU know its Moses, but business is business.

These two kids about 12 or 13 go to confession. The first one goes into
the confessional and admits having sex with a girl.

The priest says, It wasnt Carmen Angelozi was it?

The kid says No father, it wasnt.

The priest says, It wasnt Angela Fetucini was it?

The kid replies, No father, it wasnt.

The priest then says, It wasnt Maria Carmella was it?

The kid once again says, No father it wasnt.

The priest then says, Well, for your pennance say 50 Hail Marys and leave
half your allowance in the offering for 2 weeks.

When the kid leaves the confessional his friend asks him how it went to
which he replies, not bad and I got 3 leads.

A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be much in
the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, Tell me, Becky,
have you heard by chance whats going on in Rome?
No, said Mrs Finkelstein. I havent. Whats going on in Rome?
A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other things,
decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion of
Jesus.
Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. Indeed? And who is
responsible, then?
Im not sure, said Mrs. Moskowitz. I think they suspect the
Puerto Ricans.

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of
Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of
agitation. Father! she cried, just wait until you hear this!

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited? Well, father the nun
began, I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard
some of the older boys wagering money!

A serious infraction, indeed! said the priest.

But thats not what
has me so excited, father replied the nun, it was WHAT they were
wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate
the highest on the wall!!

What an incredible wager! exclaimed the priest, What did you do?

Well, I hit the ceiling, father.

How much did you win?