Old and New Jokes

10) Who the hell Begets anymore?

9) Memo to Adam: Ditch the apples, try chocolate!

8) Saint Peter wouldnt do the actual judging — hed hire a temp.

7) Ten plagues and God never thought of daytime talk shows?

6) All this smiting and no one filed a suit against God?

5) “Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy?” — GO FORTY-NINERS!

4) Why did Moses spend all his time parting seas when there are all those great legs out there?

3) How can you trust someone who turns water into wine?

2) Satan provides free heating, work for everyone, never evicts you and doesnt give a damn about your credit rating. This is bad HOW?

1.) Out with “Into the ark, two by two,” in with Jerry Springer love triangles!

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her go do something to prove them wrong! Why dont you learn all the state capitals or something? The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, Im NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!

The guy doesnt believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says, Okay, whats the Capital of Montana?

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, Thats easy! Its M!

A lady approaches her priest and tells him Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
What do they say? the priest inquired.
They only know how to say, Hi, were prostitutes. Want to have some fun?
Thats terrible! the priest exclaimed, but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.
Thank you! the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priests house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say Hi were prostitutes, want to have some fun?
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!

You might be a redneck if youve been married three times and you still have the same in-laws!

Yo momma so fat she got hit by a bus and said who threw that rock at me

A solution to all of your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog – After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high – maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar – if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time – if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

How many government agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb. All you saw was a reflection from swamp gas.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to turn it in and four to form a support group and blame the whole thing on men in the first place.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out,
– Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!!!

Why is a physician held in much higher esteem than a statistician?
A physician makes an analysis of a complex illness whereas a statistician makes you ill with a complex analysis!