Yo mama so fat that shes on both sides of the family tree.
31
Dec
31
Dec
A brunette was rowing her boat in a corn field when a blonde girl drives by. The blonde stops and yells to the brunette, You are so stupid! You know, if I could swim, Id come out there and smack some sense into you.
31
Dec
New Jersey got first pick.
31
Dec
In a recent survey, participants were asked: Who made women?
They asked a artist, and he said: It would have to be anm artist. Look at how all those beautiful curves fit together, and how well rounded it looks. It is both pleasing to eye and the soul.
Fair enough, they thought, and went on to the engineer. It must most certainly be an engineer, this man responded, for it responds with unerring accuracy. Press this, that happens, do this, and you get this response.
Mmm, this is an even better answer, they decided, but, to keep the survey unbiased, they asked Little Johnie.
It could only have been the goddamn City Council, was his reply.
Huh? Why the City Council?
Only those stupid morons would put a carnival right next to a sewage outlet.
31
Dec
boomerangst n
a morbid feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity that one is unaccountably about get whacked in the side of the head by a bent or angular throwing club typically flat on one side and rounded on the other so that it soars or curves in flight;
a fully justified feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity about the future of Social Security common to members of the generation born in the United States during the years immediately after the second world war
31
Dec
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies
fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.
The woman cocked her ear, Quick! My husbands coming
through the front door! Hide in the bathroom! she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under
the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through
the bedroom door.
What are you doing lying on the bed naked? he asked.
Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to
receive you. she replied with a knowing smile.
Great, he said, Ill just nip into the bathroom and
Ill be with you in two shakes.
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where
he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
Who the devil are you! the husband demanded.
Im from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in
to get rid of these pesky moths, the lover replied.
But..but youve got no clothes on? stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and
said, The little bastards!
31
Dec
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes I am, I married the wrong man. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then hes finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelors degree and the woman gets her masters. A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I dont know, son, Im still paying Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesnt know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt notice. It doesnt matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is. A woman was telling her friend , It is I who made my husband a millionaire. And what was he before you married him. Asked the friend. The woman replied, A billionaire. God says to Adam, What would you like in a wife? Hmmm, says Adam, Id like her to be the m
31
Dec
36 things youll never hear from a Redneck…
1. Ill take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
2. Duct tape wont fix that.
3. Come to think of it, Ill have a Heineken.
4. We dont keep firearms in this house.
5. You cant feed that to the dog.
6. I thought Graceland was tacky.
7. No kids in the back of the pick-up…its not safe.
8. Professional wresslins fake.
9. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
10. Were vegetarians.
11. Do you think my hair is too big?
12. Ill have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
13. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
14. I dont understand the appeal of NASCAR.
15. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Deer heads detract from the decor.
17. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
18. I just couldnt find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
20. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
21. The tires on that truck are too big.
22. Ill have the arugula and radicchio salad.
23. Ive got it all on a floppy disk.
24. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
25. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
26. My fiance is registered at Tiffanys.
27. Ive got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
28. Shes too old to be wearing that bikini.
29. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
30. Hey, heres an episode of Hee Haw that we havent seen.
31. I dont have a favorite college football team.
32. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
33. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
34. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
35. Elvis who?
36. Checkmate
31
Dec
A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs.
Here we go again.
31
Dec
Why do wives live longer than their husbands? Because they arent married to women!