Old and New Jokes

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, Sorry, I cant serve you, youre off your face!

There once was a medieval village named Trinsic. This village was being terrorized by a vile monster, the Medicrin. Each night, the Medicrin would stalk down from the hills, and devour one of the villagers. The terrified villagers called a meeting, and decided to pool their money together to hire the great hero Erik.

Erik came and listened to the complaints of the villagers. He consulted his Great Heros Book of Vile Monsters, and learned that Medicrins love to eat loons. So Erik hunted high and low to find a loon. He found one, captured it, tied it up, and brought it back to the village. He then had the villagers dig a deep pit. Erik threw the loon into the pit, hoping to capture the Medicrin, and slay it.

That night, the Medicrin came … It smelled the loon … But it also smelled DANGER, and it ran off, devouring one of the villagers on the way out.

After calming the villagers, the next day, Erik again consulted his Great Heros Book of Vile Monsters, and learned that Medicrins also love sugar. So Erik gathered up all of the sugar in the village, and threw it into the pit. The loon, not having eaten in days, devoured all of the sugar in a single gulp. Erik was struck with panic, and ran to and fro trying to figure out what to do next, but night had fallen, and the Medicrin would be there soon, so Erik crossed his fingers, and hoped for the best.

That night, the Medicrin came … It smelled the loon … It smelled danger … But it also smelled the sugar, and the Medicrin dived into the pit, and devoured the loon. And the villagers swarmed over the Medicrin, and slew it.

The moral of the story: A loon full of sugar helps the Medicrin go down.

Suffering from too much Licentiousness?

• If youre oversexed, you should get married
  Trust me, itll help ya taper off
• Friend of mind always has sex on his mind
  Once a month like clockwork, he gets a nosebleed
• Girl I once knew was really quite a wild lil lover
  She was able to whip up whitecaps on her waterbed
• I remember one girl from high school sex class
  She WAS the class homework every nite
• Girl came down with a rare disability –
  an ingrown mattress
• Gifts are tuff to buy for this girl I know –
  I mean, what can ya give someone whos had everyone
• She was so gentle, wouldnt molest a fly –
  unless it was open of course
• She doesnt run after men any more –
  now she roller blades
• Men like her because of her vocabulary –
  Yes is the greater part of it
• For all of you non-smokers out there, trust me –
  Theres nothing better before a cigarette than sex
• Come to think of it, my Grandfather was right
  Sex IS dirty – but only if you do it right !

Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (joke page) or (postings)

• Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest
  that you should get some rest.
  
• You can achieve a Runners High by sitting up.
  
• You say the same sentence over and over again not realizing that you
  have said it before.
  
• The Sun is too loud.
  
• Trees begin chasing you.
  
• You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
  
• You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip
  solution of espresso.
  
• You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption
  of coffee.
  
• You can hear mimes.
  
• You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
  
• Things become Very Clear.
  
• You ask the Drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
  
• The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
  
• You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can
  understand.
  
• You keep yelling STOP TOUCHING ME!!! even though you are the only
  one in the room.
  
• Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
  
• David Lynch comes up to you and says: Hey!, can I film you?
  
• You and Reality file for divorce.
  
• You can skip without a rope.
  
• It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
  
• You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and
  Everthing else, but cant quite find the words for them before the white
  glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
  
• You can travel without moving.
  
• Antiacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
  
• You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
  
• You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get
  into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the
  rest of the night.
  
• Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
  
• You have an irresistable urge to bite the nose of the people you are
  talking to.
  

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they dont even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you its not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if theyve left early, put them in Purchasing.

Put a naked woman and a six pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

From London Times via Car and Driver:

Comrade Gorbachev is being driven from his dacha to Moscow and
is in a hurry. He is getting irritated with the slowness of his
driver. Cant you go any faster? he says angrily. I have to
obey the speed limits, says the driver.

Finally Gorbachev
orders the driver into the back and takes the wheel. Sure
enough a patrol car soon pulls them over. The senior officer
orders the junior to go write up the ticket. But the junior
officer comes back and says he cant give them a ticket, the
person in the car is too important.

Well, who is it? the senior officer asks.

I didnt recognize him, says the junior
officer, but Comrade Gorbachev is his chauffeur.

Raj Wall
Texas Instruments

A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it cant be fried in bacon grease, it aint worth cooking, let alone eating. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we cant stay home the two days of the year it snows. If you do run your car into a ditch, dont panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Dont try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for. Dont be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store. Remember: "Yall" is singular. "All yall" is plural. "All yalls" is plural possessive. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent. People walk slower here. Dont be worried that you dont understand anyone. They dont understand you either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol", as in "big ol truck" or "big ol boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. "He needed killin" is a valid defense here. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, yall, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their cars windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something youre supposed to do. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, youre better off trying to find it yourself.

A little girl became restless as the preachers sermon dragged on and on. Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?

A Sunday School teacher asked a little boy, Bobby, do you believe in the devil?

No, said the little boy. Hes just like Santa Claus. I think its my daddy.

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. How do you know what to say? he asked.

Why, God tells me.

Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?