Old and New Jokes

At the circus the clowns dont talk.

10 ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer:

The monitor is up on blocks
Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them
The six front keys have rotted out
The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them
The numeric keypad only goes up to six
The password is BUBBA
Theres a gun rack mounted on the CPU
Theres a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive
The keyboard is camouflaged
And, the best way to tell if a REDNECK has been working on a
computer is… The Mouse is referred to as a Critter

Why was the belt arrested?

Because it held up a pair of pants!

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?


A: Its called Debbie Does Dishes.

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister.

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich!

Three guys are debating who has the best memory:

Guy 1: I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.

Guy 2: I can remember my first day at Nursery School!

Guy 3: Heck thats nuthin, I can remember going to the senior prom
with my father, and coming home with my mother.

10. Police escort gets you to the movies faster.
9. You know that game tetherball? I played tetherball with the inventor of tetherball.
8. After they sign a bill, theres lots of free pens.
7. If you close your left eye, the seal on the podium reads President of the United States.
6. I get intellectual property rights to my speeches.
5. Dan Quayle and Gerald Ford are pretty easy to beat during Vice Presidents Week on Jeopardy.
4. You dont have to be funny to get invited on the Letterman show.
3. You get to eat all the french fries the president cant get to.
2. You dont have to be a good speller to get the job.
1. Secret Service code name Buttafuoco.

10,000 years from now Aliens will land on Earth and ask why no one got there Were Coming message. It is discovered that the Aliens had posted it to alt.test and no one saw it. Aliens laugh at SETI at Home idea as akin to reading tea leaves.

Hello! The SETI project is a scam. It is run by the NSA to use the massed CPU cycles of the first world to break peoples PGP passwords via brute force attacks.

Opps! Sorry, but two years from now the SETI people will announce there was a bug in their software and youll all have to start over.

The major American TV networks will launch a similar project in which the worlds PCs will be harnessed to cull through archives looking for a plot, or even a punch line, they havent used eight hundred times before.

SETI project is revealed to be part of Intel/Microsoft plot to gain access to computers of a segment of the population that traditionally not fallen for the free AOL account trap.

Well, if if youre looking for intelligence you wont find it among people who pay thousands for the fastest CPUs they can get then bog the machines down trying to make sense out of background radiation.

Extra terrestrials are flabbergast to find out when spent years analyzing the line noise created by stars they were moving around to spell out Hello humans in the heavens.

The home computer of one Penny Beatrice Century of Moreno, California churns out the vital link to communicating with other-worldly beings. But her husband accidentally deletes it trying to hide evidence of all the nudie .jpgs he had downloaded the night before.

JPL probe to find out the pranksters behind the nude photo of Uma Thurman painted on the Mars 17 probe also uncovers that the same group came up with the SETI at Home screen saver hoax. Forty two scientists are fired.

After decades of work by thousands it is decided the SETI at Home project was a well meaning but doomed, pointless task. But even its critics say it gave hope to many and thus on the whole was not intricacy evil.

(From Internet Oracularities)

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, Hey! Cut it out, all right!

The rear tiger says, sorry, and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, I said stop it!

The rear tiger says, sorry, and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, What is it with you, anyway?

The rear tiger replies, Well, I just ate a lawyer and Im trying to get the taste out of my mouth!

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. Thats right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity

MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework

MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques

MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am

MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesnt End with Conception

EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook

EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

ECO 001 Whats Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When Youre Wrong

MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence

MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex

MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

ECO 002 What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It

SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If Its Awake, Take a Shower

SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex

MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

MEN 213 Honest, You Dont Look Like Tom Cruise

MEN 230 Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Part 1

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)

MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary

MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions

MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

MEN 231 Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Part 2

Electives:

EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu

EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils

EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly

MEN 231 Mother-In-Laws

MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening

MEN 233 Just Say Yes, Dear

ECO 003 Cheaper to Keep Her