Old and New Jokes

The car selling magazines have a vocabulary all their own; understanding it is essential to avoid getting lemon-ized.

What is saysWhat it means
Must sellBefore it blows up
Runs fineI was going to say runs excellent but I had a last minute conscience attack
Needs some body workWas blindsided by a Winnebago
Well-maintainedI changed the oil occasionally
Looks like newJust dont try to drive it anywhere
All originalI never had anything fixed, adjusted or replaced
Loaded with optionsEach one more troublesome than the next
Never smoked inUnfortunately, thats the best thing I can say about it
Project carDoesnt run.
Lots of potentialDoesnt run.
Needs minor repairDoesnt run.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, Please be gentle, Im still a virgin.

What? said the puzzled groom.

How can that be if youve been married ten times?

Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said hed look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldnt get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didnt know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasnt sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that Ive married you, Im really excited!

Good, said the new husband, but, why?

Youre a lawyer. This time I know Im gonna get screwed!

Of course it did NOT went as well as I hoped it will go.

First I noticed ecards do not work anymore. After some digging I found one missing file. They should all work now.

Then I noticed that DOWNLOADS section is completely empty. What a bummer – I had a lot of funny stuff there… well – they will have to be re-added manually… Will probably have no time for it today so this will most likely happen tomorrow…

Not to mention the banners (big ones – 468×60 are gone from site header)
Webcam link mysteriously disappeared from the right menu (other custom menus did survive the upgrade)

Ecards admin did not work (it did after some editing of some configuration files…)

If you find any other bugs – please let me know by sending email to: webmaster at huumor dot com

New Years Resolutions for Internet Junkies…

I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well, once a week… okay, monthly then…or maybe…
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard
to estimate since Im not a clock watcher.
When I hear Where do you want to go today? I will not reply MS Tech Support.
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, LOL… LOL!
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than password.
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.
I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er…
I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Columbuss Mother: I dont care what youve discovered, you
still could have written!

Michealangelos Mother: Cant you paint on walls like other
children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff
off the ceiling?

Napoleons Mother: All right, if you arent hiding your report
card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show
me.

Abraham Lincolns Mother: Again with the stovepipe hat? Cant
you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?

Marys Mother: Im not upset that your lamb followed you to
school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than
you.

Albert Einsteins Mother: But its your senior picture. Cant
you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse,
something…?

George Washingtons Mother: The next time I catch you throwing
money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!

Thomas Edisons Mother: Of course Im proud that you invented
the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!

Paul Reveres Mother: I dont care where you think you have to
go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other.

One says to the other, Are you all right?

No, I lost an electron!

Are you sure?

Im positive!

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

Ive been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem, thats very common among losers.

Did you hear about the veterinarian and the taxidermist who went into business together?

Their slogan was, Either Way, You Get Your Pet Back.

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

Jeez, the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.

That was nice of you, she says, looking around… But wheres his wheelchair? (woo-hoo! thats MEAN! 🙂