Old and New Jokes

Q. Why do lawyers where neck ties?

A. So their foreskin doesnt slip up over their head.

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. How long will this take? she asks.

Theyll grow larger over a period of years, he replies. The wife stops. Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?

The husband shrugs. Why not, it worked for your butt, didnt it?

(He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.)

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are phony).

He tells them, O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the words cheese and liver in a sentence.

So, the first guy says, I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch.

The agent says, That was good, you can go. What about you? he asks the second guy.

He says, Liver alone. Cheese mine.

A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery.


They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury.

They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back


to their estate.

The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch.

The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four. The butler replied, The Cohens telephoned and said


they were bringing the Bagels and the Knishes.

There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line Free Money, DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.

Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days TORTURING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE.

Some filthy, disgusting miscreant . . . some no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of her own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e- mail entitled Free Money. What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e- mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. Free Money can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.

How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter of some debate . . . but BELIEVE YOU US, if this werent a SERIOUS situation, we wouldnt be discussing it in ALL CAPS.

So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love. Dont do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!

Q: Why were blondes created?

A: Because sheep cant bring beer from the fridge

I heard this a long time ago…

There were once some music fanatics who were fascinated with the works of Ludwig von Beethoven. They listened to, and played everything that he had ever written. Finally, after years of saving, they went to Europe to see where this legend had been buried.

When they got to the cemetary, they found the tomb where his body had been laid. However, one of the fanatics saw that the door was left slightly ajar. They turned to each other, wondering if they should look in, or shut the door. They decided to look in, just out of curiosity.

Upon looking in the tomb, they saw a very strange sight. Beethoven was sitting at a desk, frantically erasing copies of everything he had ever written! Beethoven, sir!, one of them exclaimed, What are you doing?!

Beethoven turned calmly to the group, and answered them. Im decomposing…

Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who tells them they led such good lives they will be permitted to return to earth as anyone they want.The first nun thinks it over and says Id like to return as Sophia Loren.St. Peter says Fine, you can return as Sophia Loren.The second nun thinks and says Id like to be Gina Lollobrigida.St. Peter says No problem, you can return as Gina Lollobrigida.The third nun says I think Id like to be Virginia Pipeline.St. Peter says, Hmmm, I dont think I know of anyone named Virginia Pipeline?At which point the third nun shows him the headline from the morning paper: Virginia Pipeline Laid by 25 Men

A Doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the Doctors drink waiting for him at precisely 5:03 PM.

One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The Doctor came in and took a sip of the drink and exclaimed, This isnt a hazelnut daiquiri!

No, Im sorry, replied the bartender…

Its a hickory daiquiri, Doc.

Q. What do you use if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?

A. You use Santa Flush.

Q. What do you call Santas helpers?

A. You call them subordinate clauses.