Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if it takes two twinkies, a beer and your sister to get to second base.

It has a spring in it

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right? they ask.

Its pretty nice, she replies, except they wont let you fart.

Resume Bloopers from Robert Half: (These are real examples from real
resumes)

–Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: –Responsibility makes me nervous.

–They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldnt work under those conditions.

(this from Alan, one of my coworkers)


REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

–Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches.
–I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

–The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous
employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

–While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly
disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to
ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial
management as the major sphere of responsibility.

–I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

–Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
does not know I am looking for another job.

–My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

–I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

–Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

–Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

–Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

–Work Experience: Dealing with customers conflicts that arouse.

–Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

–Im a rabid typist.

–Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things – chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. Why dont you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

How did you enjoy that? asked the uncle.

It was great! exclaimed the nephew. Got any more dogs?

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the mens game.

Dont they know theyre supposed to let us play through? asked the first man. The other man shook his head. Im going to go ask them if we can play through, said the first man, emphatically, Enough is enough.

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

Oh God, he said to his friend, This is awful. Youre going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.

The other man shrugged, and said No sweat. He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, Small world!

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.

He turned to her and said, This is a special day, Im celebrating.

What a coincidence, said the woman, Im celebrating, too. She clinked glasses with him and asked, What are you celebrating?

Im a chicken farmer, he replied. For years all my hens were infertile, but today theyre

finally fertile.

What a coincidence, the woman said. My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me Im

pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile? she asked.

I switched cocks, he replied.

What a coincidence, she said.

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, Sorry, I cant serve you, youre off your face!

There once was a medieval village named Trinsic. This village was being terrorized by a vile monster, the Medicrin. Each night, the Medicrin would stalk down from the hills, and devour one of the villagers. The terrified villagers called a meeting, and decided to pool their money together to hire the great hero Erik.

Erik came and listened to the complaints of the villagers. He consulted his Great Heros Book of Vile Monsters, and learned that Medicrins love to eat loons. So Erik hunted high and low to find a loon. He found one, captured it, tied it up, and brought it back to the village. He then had the villagers dig a deep pit. Erik threw the loon into the pit, hoping to capture the Medicrin, and slay it.

That night, the Medicrin came … It smelled the loon … But it also smelled DANGER, and it ran off, devouring one of the villagers on the way out.

After calming the villagers, the next day, Erik again consulted his Great Heros Book of Vile Monsters, and learned that Medicrins also love sugar. So Erik gathered up all of the sugar in the village, and threw it into the pit. The loon, not having eaten in days, devoured all of the sugar in a single gulp. Erik was struck with panic, and ran to and fro trying to figure out what to do next, but night had fallen, and the Medicrin would be there soon, so Erik crossed his fingers, and hoped for the best.

That night, the Medicrin came … It smelled the loon … It smelled danger … But it also smelled the sugar, and the Medicrin dived into the pit, and devoured the loon. And the villagers swarmed over the Medicrin, and slew it.

The moral of the story: A loon full of sugar helps the Medicrin go down.

Suffering from too much Licentiousness?

• If youre oversexed, you should get married
  Trust me, itll help ya taper off
• Friend of mind always has sex on his mind
  Once a month like clockwork, he gets a nosebleed
• Girl I once knew was really quite a wild lil lover
  She was able to whip up whitecaps on her waterbed
• I remember one girl from high school sex class
  She WAS the class homework every nite
• Girl came down with a rare disability –
  an ingrown mattress
• Gifts are tuff to buy for this girl I know –
  I mean, what can ya give someone whos had everyone
• She was so gentle, wouldnt molest a fly –
  unless it was open of course
• She doesnt run after men any more –
  now she roller blades
• Men like her because of her vocabulary –
  Yes is the greater part of it
• For all of you non-smokers out there, trust me –
  Theres nothing better before a cigarette than sex
• Come to think of it, my Grandfather was right
  Sex IS dirty – but only if you do it right !

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