Monica needed to get one of her dresses cleaned so she takes it to the
dry cleaners. The man working there was an elderly man and was hard of
hearing.
Monica said,I need this dress cleaned.
The man said, Come again?
Monica replied, No, its just mustard.
Definition of eternity? Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.
I stopped at a friends shop the other day and found him stalkin around with a fly swatter.
When I asked if he was gettin any flies, he answered, Yeah, 3 males and 2 females.
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.
He answered, 3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didnt have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, Wouldnt it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me? He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven oclock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, Oh no!!! My wifes dinner party!!!
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where hes been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, Come on guys, were almost there!!
You get a slobbering creature who chews up everything and ignores you totally.
I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend. I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know its hot where youre going, but you deserve it."
Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com
As the man began walking toward the door, his wife asked, Where are you going?
The man replied, Im going to the doctor.
Why? Are you sick? the wife asked.
No, the husband replied. Im going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.
His wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat. The husband turned to her and asked, Where are you going?
The wife replied, Im going to the doctor, too.
Why? asked her husband.
His wife replied, If youre going to start using that rusty old thing again, Im going to get a tetanus shot.
Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car.
They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillarys young lover there. Bill said to hillary if you were still with him, you were the wife of a filling station owner.
Hillary said NO! Then he would be the president of United States
During Sabbath services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.
The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldnt hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.
Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the aisle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.
The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. Look who thinks hes nothing!
A man speaks frantically into the phone, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!
Is this her first child? the doctor queries.
No, you idiot! the man shouts. This is her husband!