Old and New Jokes

It is reported that the following addition to the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic it would answer the question, Where do pets come from?

And Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.

And God said, No problem, I will create for you a companion, that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said, No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.

And the Lord said, No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him for who he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration.

And God created CAT to be a companion for Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog wagged his tail.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all the warnings to the contrary, theyve stayed out after dark. Sure enough, as theyre driving along, a vampire flies out of the night and lands on their windshield, hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs.

Dear Lord! What shall we do? cries the first nun.

Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break his grip, answers the second nun.

No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws at the windshield.

Now what shall we do? yells the first nun, getting even more scared.

Weave the car back and forth. Maybe hell fall off, says the second nun.

No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and its starting to crack.

NOW WHAT!?!?! cries the first nun.

The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires. She has a sudden flash of insight. Show him your cross! she yells, triumphantly.

The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells, Get off my car, you foul little vampire before I smack you with a ruler!

Q: Did you hear about the ambulance-chasing lawyer who married the blonde?

A: I heard they lived fulfilling lives even though the lawyer eventually questioned his way of business, and became a loan officer.

gavinfx@yahoo.com

There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead.

They were near the middle of the jungle when a rare African tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the gods have sent them evil things and the explorers shall be destroyed. The tribe was going to shoot them with a bow and arrow in the head one at a time.

First they were going to shoot at the brunnette. She stepped up and they called, 1-2-3, but before they could shoot she yelled, TORNADO!, and everyone ducked and lay down on the ground and the brunnette ran way while they ducked. The tribe got mad and swore but did not go after her.

Then the redneck stepped up and they aimed and yelled, 1-2-3, but before they could shoot she screeched, FLOOD!, and everyone jumped and climbed up the nearest tree. The redhead took advantage and ran away. They got really mad and swore but did not go after her, as they didnt like people yelling fake incidents.

Then the blonde stepped up and she thought that yelling a mother nature disaster was a good idea. They yelled, 1-2-3, and the blonde yelled, FIRE!

Q: Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
A: Its ass.

Why is 6 scared of 7?

Because 7 ate nine! (7, 8, 9)

How do you stop a 3 black men from raping a white woman? Throw them a basketball!

What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit!

What do you call a black woman taking birth control pills? A Humanitarian.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four. Actually, only one to screw it in. The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part!

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream Oh my God! Theyve found me! and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you cant get the darn thing to work. After he/shes turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one its set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the Smurfs theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you dont know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but dont use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say Just in case… mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if theyre crazy while typing.

14. Light candles around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, Oops, I forgot.

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease, and scream YES! when it finishes.

17. DISK FIGHT!!!

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If youre sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesnt work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbors keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout You will all perish in flames!!! and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computers mouse.

35. Borrow someone elses keyboard by reaching over, saying Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isnt affected). Then look at your neighbors keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: Does *your* delete key work? Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until youve deleted about a page of your neighbors document. Then, suddenly exclaim: Well, whaddya know? Ive been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasnt deleting! Ha! Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmers Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say You did that? loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell COVEEEEERRRRRR! peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. Oh, good. It worked this time, and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See whos online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like youve known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out youre a total stranger.

45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend its the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesnt work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim Youre such a marvel!!, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout Armageddon is here!!!!!, then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, Give me that computer or youll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week.

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea," said Mike. "Well throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.""What, do you think Im stupid? I have an idea. Ill shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.""What, do you think Im stupid? Youll just turn off the flashlight when Im halfway there."