Old and New Jokes

Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?
A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and shes horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman.

Shes about to storm out of the house, and the husband says But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you dont wear because theyre out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesnt suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that dont fit you anymore.

Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?

From the people who brought you Buckets of Blood 3
yes, its the:

N. I. H. E. Dublin, Ireland
B.A. in COMMUNICATION STUDIES

Final year exam 1989

Time: 9 am till opening time.

Candidates must not write on more than two sides of the exam paper.

Marks will be deducted for bad spelling and writing which is difficult
to read.

1. What language is spoken by French Canadians?

2. Give important characteristics of ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions or give the
first names of the Osmonds.

3. What religion is the Pope? [Jewish, Catholic, Hindu, Anglican (ONE only)].

4. Who won the Second World War? Who came second?

5. What is a silver dollar made of? Gold, Silver, polyvinylchloride (ONE only).

6. Explain Le Chateliers principal of dynamic equilibrium
force or spell your name in BLOCK capitals.

7. Approximately how many commandments were give to Moses?

8. There were six kings of Britain called George, the last one being called
George VI. Name the other five.

9. Who invented Stevensons rocket?

10. Write down the numbers 1 to 10. (Marks will be deducted for every number
out of sequence.)

11. Dublin is the capital of which north-western European country?

12. Name the odd man out–Cardinal Heenan, The Pope, Archbishop of Canterbury,
Jack the Ripper.

13. Who was the winning jockey in the All Ireland Greyhound Derby 1971?

14. Who built the Great Pyramid?–Rameses II, W.B. Yeats, Wimpey, Amey
Roadstone Corporation? (ONE only).

15. In the 1973 Sheepdog trials, how many were found guilty?

16. At what time is News at Ten?–9 pm., 6 pm., Dont know.

17. Would you ask William Shakespeare to–Build a bridge, Sail the ocean,
Lead the army or WRITE A PLAY?

18. What holiday falls on January 1st?–Christmas, New Year, August Bank
holiday, St. Patricks Day?

19. Is a dunker a :

(a) person who dips biscuits in his/her tea?
(b) contraceptive?
(c) lorry for motorway construction?
(d) black person about seven foot tall and good at basketball?

20. Do you understand Newtons law of gravity? Answer YES or NO

21 Arrange the following words into a logical statement:
BRAINS HAVE NO C.S.S.

22 What is 69 and 69 ( one answer only )

(i) 101.
(ii) ten times your I.Q.
(iii) An NIHE party
(iv) All of the above five

23 Write a prose composition on each of the following:

(i) The wide-ranging knowledge of C.S. students on computers
(Maximum of two letters. Hint WS)

(ii) [From your employment possibilities]
The role of fast food franchises in the modern urban environment

(iii) My favourite Lecture (you may not refer to the other two in your
answer)

(iv) What the restaurant looks like

24 Approximately how many questions are on this paper (Answer to the nearest 100 if you can count that far.)

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.



When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.



When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husbands club. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing. She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.



The golf pro says to the woman, That is unbelievable, I didnt think you would do that well. But now on to the next problem. How do we get that golf club out of your mouth?

Reasons for Allowing Drinking at Work

1. Its an incentive to show up.



2. It reduces stress.



3. It leads to more honest communications.



4. It reduces complaints about low pay.



5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.



6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.



7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.



8. It encourages carpooling.



9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you dont care.



10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.



11. It makes fellow employees look better.



12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.



13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks



14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Andrea was telling me about her brother, when he was a soldier serving overseas, how when he was far from home and was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying:

Regret cannot remember which one is you –please keep your photo and return the others.

Q. Why do lawyers where neck ties?

A. So their foreskin doesnt slip up over their head.

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. How long will this take? she asks.

Theyll grow larger over a period of years, he replies. The wife stops. Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?

The husband shrugs. Why not, it worked for your butt, didnt it?

(He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.)

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are phony).

He tells them, O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the words cheese and liver in a sentence.

So, the first guy says, I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch.

The agent says, That was good, you can go. What about you? he asks the second guy.

He says, Liver alone. Cheese mine.

A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery.


They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury.

They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back


to their estate.

The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch.

The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four. The butler replied, The Cohens telephoned and said


they were bringing the Bagels and the Knishes.

There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line Free Money, DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.

Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days TORTURING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE.

Some filthy, disgusting miscreant . . . some no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of her own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e- mail entitled Free Money. What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e- mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. Free Money can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.

How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter of some debate . . . but BELIEVE YOU US, if this werent a SERIOUS situation, we wouldnt be discussing it in ALL CAPS.

So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love. Dont do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!