As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: Hed just signed up at an army recruiters office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs, snickered one: You didnt really do that, did you?

Im positive youd never get through basic training scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.

When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?

Until recently, British Rail was probably the holder of the most stupid excuses for train cancellations or delays, with ones like these, which are now well-known throughout the UK:

leaves on the line

the wrong kind of snow

and more recently, a lesser known one about

a cow on the line

But today, on the travel news, a company has really excelled itself, The reason for delays?

a tree had fallen on the track

This doesnt really sound very remarkable, until you realise that the company in question is London Underground.

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, Man, I wish we had something to drink!

Jim says, Me too. Yknow, Ive heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!

Then the phone rings…Its Jim.

Jim says, Hey, how do you feel this morning?

Bud says, I feel great. How about you?

Jim says, I feel great, too. You dont have a hangover?

Bud says, No, that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover – nothing.

We ought to do this more often.

Yeah, well, theres just one thing….

Whats that?

Have you farted yet?

No…..

Well, DONT – cause Im in Phoenix!!!

Hark the bar room voices sing

Out of tune and everything

Christmas time and lets go wild

Make the persian gulf look mild

Lets get drunk and all fall down

Take the car and speed thru town

Wrap yourself around a pole

Put your family on the dole

Hark the bar room voices scream

Pass the jug of irish cream

Get up early christmas dawn

Yawn the technicolor yawn

Kids are howling with delight

You were out too late last night

Even smiling hurts your head

Open gifts,go back to bed

Hark the bar room voices bark

Wheres the jug of cutty sark

Christmas comes home once a year

Dont you think you should be there

People love you, dont be jerky

Go home, eat some christmas turkey

Hug someone and then you say

Have a happy holiday

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told
Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

Where do you live? asked the operator.

Bubba replied, At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.

The operator asked, Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, How bout if I drag
her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?

A man and a woman who are strangers find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. They both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, Im sorry to bother you, but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, I have a better idea! Just for tonight, lets pretend were married.

The man is thrilled at the idea, so the woman says, Good…Now go get your own damn blanket!

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.

He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.

The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.

He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.

As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.

He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.

He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.

The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, No refunds.

The guy shook his head, and said,

No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer.

Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an Outplacement Coordinator.
Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell.
Employee discount days at the local Army & Navy Surplus Store are discontinued.
Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin).
Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all existing departments in the Company.

Remember folks, Were not Downsizing, were Rightsizing!

Why did the police think Sting was such a great musician?Because they had no bassist for comparison.

He was just casually sipping his beer, relaxing and listening to the music. Suddenly, someone burst through the door. Joe! Joe, your barn is on fire!The man leapt up from the bar, ran outside, jumped on his horse and started galloping away. He rode for a couple minutes, then thought, wait a minute… I dont have a barn! So he turned around and went back to the bar and his beer.He was working on his second beer when another man came storming into the bar. Joe! Joe! Someone is stealing all your cattle!The man leapt out of his seat, got on his horse, and started galloping away. He rode for a few minutes and thought, Wait a minute! I dont have any cattle! So he turned around and returned to the bar.He was working on his fourth beer when yet another man stormed into the bar. Joe! Joe! Someone is screwing your extremely beautiful wife!The man leapt up, got on his horse and started galloping away. He rode for a few minutes and thought, Wait a minute… my name isnt Joe!