Whats the difference between men and beer?
When youre done with the beer its still worth 5 cents.
31
Dec
31
Dec
A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is: Name the three best advantages of mothers milk.
The student immediately writes, One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby.
Two: It is inside the mothers body and therefore protected from germs and infections.
But the student cant think of the third answer. Finally, he writes, Three: It comes in such nice containers.
31
Dec
A short history of medicine:I have an earache. 2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
31
Dec
(This joke tends to be better spoken.)
This guy had three kittens who liked to play in the guys pond in his front yard. One day, they all fell in and started drowning. Luckily, the guy was outside and was able to save them. He told them that they better be careful because he might not be there to save them.
Sure enough, the next day, they were out playing in the pond and fell in. Some guy down the street saw them and rushed to try to save them, but was too late. So, he went to the door, and when the owner answered, the guy said, Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinque.
31
Dec
WANKY PANKY
– fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky
THRUSTER BUSTER
– a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouses car in the driveway or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent
RUBBER FLUBBER
– sudden realization that the condom has broken
BOOBIE LUBEY
– stimulation of a females breasts to arouse sexual interest
DICKIE LICKIE
– oral stimulation of the males private parts
TUSHIE PUSHIE
– doggie-style sexual intercourse
PECKER WRECKER
– oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth
FUCKIE SUCKIE
– oral sex and sexual intercourse both
STINKIE PINKIE
– the result of sexual stimulation of the females private parts by the males hands
HUMMER CUMMER
– I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!
31
Dec
A mans house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody. So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in there?" The man replies, "Im turning over my mother in law."
31
Dec
Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages from God. This non-denominational campaign, was sponsored by an anonymous client. How cool to drive by one of these billboards!
1. Lets Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game – God
2. Cmon Over And Bring The Kids – God
3. What Part of Thou Shalt Not… Didnt You understand? – God
4. We Need To Talk – God
5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And Ill Make Rush Hour Longer – God
6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage – God
7. That Love Thy Neighbor Thing, I Meant It. – God
8. I Love You … I Love You … I Love You … – God
9. Will The Road Youre On Get You To My Place? – God
10. Follow Me. – God
11. Big Bang Theory, Youve Got To Be Kidding. – God
12. My Way Is The Highway. – God
13. Need Directions? – God
14. You Think Its Hot Here? – God
15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. – God
16. Need a Marriage Counselor? Im Available. – God
17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test. – God
31
Dec
Russell Crowe says that since hes put his Oscar in his barn, his chickens have been laying bigger eggs. In a related story, actor Cuba Gooding, Jr. says that since he won his Oscar, his movies have been laying bigger eggs.
31
Dec
My wife and I have an agreement that works… She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.
This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.
I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.
31
Dec
You Know Youve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When….
1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, Call a priest!
9. You hear a duck quacking and its you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the partys at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize youre in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. Youre at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize youre the only one under the coffee table