Two chaps were high and driving the car.
Seems we are reaching the city.
How do say so?
The no of people colliding with our car has increased!
Then why dont you stop the car?
What do you mean? You are driving the car!
31
Dec
31
Dec
Man is in traffic court . His defense goes like this.. Your honor, its not fair. I was in a whole gaggle of cars all going the same speed, and this policeman singled me out. Judge says, Is this true, officer? Officer replies, Well, Maam, I flashed my lights, sounded my siren, blew the horn, and hes the only one who pulled over.
31
Dec
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
Why are you eating grass? he asked one man.
We dont have any money for food, the poor man replied.
Oh, come along with me then, instructed the lawyer.
But, sir, I have a wife and two children!
Bring them along! replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, Come with us.
But sir, I have a wife and six children! the second man answered.
Bring them as well! answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall.
31
Dec
American Express: Dont leave home without it!
Russian Express: Dont leave home!
China Express: Dont come home!
31
Dec
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
Look, she said, I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!
31
Dec
QUESTION: How many church people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.
Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual l light bulb Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, five or six professors to search the Bible for authorization and then two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and some faithful women to make a casserole.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans dont believe in change.
Methodists: A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesnt backslide.
31
Dec
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineers backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.NASAs response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."
31
Dec
In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a dead PowerBook.
Fault description: hangs on startup. An additional symptom provided was: whilst being carried from the customers site to our service center, a sloshing noise was heard within the machine.
Has anything been split on this computer? I inquired, but no, nothing of the sort had happened, protested the client vehemently. Taking this with a grain of salt (no ones going to admit doing something that totally invalidates their warranty and effectively wrecks their computer) I went about filling in the repair order.
Back on the bench, I started the PowerBook up. Sure enough, an address error on startup, just after Welcome to Macintosh. I lowered my ear to the keyboard, at which point I heard a crackling noise (couldnt hear any sloshing noise though) and became aware of a rather sharp odor which seemed to emanate from the inside of the machine.
Flicking the computer off and unplugging the adapter, I removed the battery from its compartment, only to observe that the entire battery casing was soaked in a fluid which appear to have a rainbow-like sheen (kind of like what a puddle of soapy water would look like – oily and colorful). I also noticed that the same fluid was leaking out of the battery compartment onto the static mat, but appeared clear rather than multi-colored.
My first thoughts were that the battery had somehow leaked acid out into the guts of the PowerBook, which would account for the sharp smell (which reminded me of ammonia), yet the battery terminals were about the one part of the battery that was dry. No, upon closer examination, I ruled the acid theory out. The battery was wet, but not leaking.
Tipping the machine on its side, I watched more fluid run out and coagulate on the bench in a puddle about the size of a compact disc. It was definitely clear, and I observed that the rainbow effect had been caused by the reaction of the plastic battery casing to this mystery liquid.
I then unscrewed the computer and separated the two parts of the PowerBook. The smell suddenly became a LOT stronger. The hard disk looked like a solid lump of rust, and the daughterboard appeared to have about three barbecued chips. Although I was quickly forming my own opinions on what had happened, I invited several of my workmates in to take a sniff and offer an opinion.
We were unanimous in our decision. I rang the customer, who seemed surprised when I asked the question: Do you have a cat?
As it turned out, he didnt have a cat, but he did have a lovely fluffy bunny rabbit who was seen in the vicinity of the PowerBook only the day before. Yes, there was no doubt about it, little fluffy had hopped up onto the keyboard and downloaded some incompatible data. I checked the warranty form, but there was no provision for failure due to rabbit urine anywhere.
I advised the customer to get in touch with his insurance company. In the end, the PowerBook was biffed and the customer upgraded. I cleaned up the static mat and sprayed the service department with a healthy dosage of Fresh Field of Flowers. I checked in with the customer about a week later, asked how was he enjoying the new powerbook, asked if hed managed to restore his data, and, of course, asked how was his rabbit?
Delicious, he said.
31
Dec
How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
31
Dec
Perhaps the Most Truthful: on Microsoft marketing:
There wont be anything we wont say to people to try and convince
them that our way is the way to go.
Not on his mind while developing Win9X..circa 1981…
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
On the solid code base of Win9X… thanks WPW!
If you cant make it good, at least make it look good.
from OS/2 Programmers Guide (forward by Bill Gates):
I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system,
and possibly program, of all time. As the successor to DOS, which has
over 10,000,000 systems in use, it creates incredible opportunities for
everyone involved with PCs.
Bill Gates, Free Market and the LA Times Thanks GC!
There are people who dont like capitalism, and people who dont like
PCs. But theres no-one who likes the PC who doesnt like Microsoft
From the back of an old Digitalk Smalltalk/V PM manual, 1990:
This is the right way to develop applications for OS/2 PM. OS/2 PM
is a tremendously rich environment, which makes it inherently complex.
Smalltalk/V PM removes that complexity and lets you concentrate on
writing great programs. Smalltalk/V PM is the kind of tool that will
make OS/2 the successor to MS/DOS.
from OS/2 Notebook, Microsoft Press, (c) 1990–an excerpt from an
interview with Bill Gates and Jim Cannavino, p. 614:
Developer: Does the announcement [of the OS/2 joint development agreement
between IBM and Microsoft] mean that Microsoft is curtailing any plans
for future development of Windows?
Gates: Microsoft has not changed any of its plans for Windows. It is
obvious that we will not include things like threads and preemptive
multitasking in Windows. By the time we added that, you would have OS/2.
Theres a reason they threw it away…
from Programmers at Work by Microsoft Press, interview with Bill
(found on comp.os.os2.advocacy),
Interviewer: Is studying computer science the best way to prepare to be
a programmer?
Gates: No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study
great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the
garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of
their operating system.
Only the finest Microsoft marketing! (submitted by BarryB):
If you dont know what you need Windows NT for, you dont need it.
On the Box of Windows 2.11 for 286 (submitted by GLDM)
New interface closely resembles Presentation Manager, preparing you for
the wonders of OS/2!
On code stability, from Focus Magazine (submitted by Benedikt Heinen
Microsoft programs are generally bug-free. If you visit the Microsoft
hotline, youll literally have to wait weeks if not months until someone
calls in with a bug in one of our programs. 99.99% of calls turn out to
be user mistakes.
[…]
I know not a single less irrelevant reason for an update than bugfixes.
The reasons for updates are to present more new features.
Unconfirmed quotes:
Microsofts GUI innovations… 1983 (thanks E.R.)
Imagine the disincentive to software development if after months of work
another company could come along and copy your work and market it under
its own name…without legal restraints to such copying, companies like
Apple could not afford to advance the state of the art.
Even more 1984 predictions (thanks Scott Renyen)
The next generation of interesting software will be made on a Macintosh,
not an IBM PC.