Old and New Jokes

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and Ill be your Support waiter.

Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: Theres a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly wont be there this time.

Patron: No, its still there.

Waiter: Maybe its the way youre using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe its a configuration problem.

How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.

Im running late now!

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasnt ready yet.

Patron: Well, Im so hungry now, Ill eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! Theres a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00

Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50

Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying
the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly
all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the
fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, Ive played so poorly all day,
I think Im going to go drown myself in that lake. The caddy looks back
at him and says, I dont think you could keep your head down that long.

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us dont make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offsprings homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit theyve intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
29% of us are virgins when we marry.
58.4% have called into work sick when we werent.
10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
Over 50% believe in spanking, but only a child over 2 years old.
35% give to charity at least once a month.
How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
69% eat the cake before the frosting.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
85% of us will eat Spam this year.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
Snickers is the most popular candy.
22% of us skip lunch daily.
9% of us skip breakfast daily.
66% of us eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
45% use mouthwash every day.
22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
58% of women paint their nails regularly.
62% of us pop our zits.
33% of women lie about their weight.
10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
57% have had deja vu.
49% believe in ESP.
44% have broken a bone.
Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
14% have attended a self-help meeting.
15% regularly go to a shrink.
78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after theyve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
23.5% admit they dont always flush.
55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while theyre using the toilet.
39% of us peek in our hosts bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
29% of us ignore RSVP.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
22% are functionally illiterate.
The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
Less than 10% are trilingual.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
2 out of 3 of us wouldnt give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.
20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
40% of us have had music lessons.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
53% read their horoscopes regularly.
16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
59% of us say were average-looking.
90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.
51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
Only 4% asked the parents approval for their brides hand.
1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
6% proposed over the phone.
71% can drive a stick-shift car.
45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
1/3 of us dont wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car blinkers.
56% of women never use their car blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.

From Harpers Index
Received from William Conway.

A: Space. The final frontier……

Why does it take 100 sperm to fertilize 1 egg?

Because men wont stop for directions!

This one doesnt read very well, but it can be real fun if you act it out properly:

A guy goes to a whore and asks her about her rates.

Well, she says, basic service is $25. The Pink Panther is $50. And if you want something really special, I can do you The Penguin for $100.

Hmmm, that sounds interesting, says the guy, Allright, Ill go for The Penguin .

The whore loosens his belt and pulls his jeans down to his knees.

Money first, she says, and he brings out his wallet.

The whore takes his money and just walks away. The guy runs after her with his pants down. (imitate a waddling penguin here)

Hey! where are you going!

This is my grandmothers favorite joke, as evidenced by the two minutes
it took her to stop laughing long enough to deliver the punch line. She got
it from her mother, Nellie Creed Hyde.

Two english ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London
street corner near an irish lady.

Were planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year, said one.

Oh you oughtnt to do that, said the other, there are Irish there!
It would be awful.

Dear me! said the first lady. Well where are you going?

Salisbury, she replied.

But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish! the first objected.

At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue.
Why dont ye go t hell, she suggested. There be no Irish there!

48 Phrases you wish you could say at work!

1. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…

2. I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. Im really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

7. Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…

8. I dont work here. Im a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word youre saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a damn.

14. Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one unde! rstands you doesnt mean youre an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. Im not being rude. Youre just insignificant.

21. Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

27. Do I look like a people person?

28. This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.

29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

30. You!… Off my planet!

31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

34. Allow me to introduce my selves.

35. Whatever kind of look you were going ! for, you missed.

36. Well, this day was a total waste of m akeup.

37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

38. Im trying to imagine you with a personality.

39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you havent fallen asleep yet.

41. Can I trade this job for whats behind door 1?

42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

44. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS

1. So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day… look on the bright side, shes a really good lay.

2. My tire was thumping… I thought it was flat… when I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat… Sorry.

3. You had your Bladder removed and youre on the mends… heres a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends.

4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy.

5. Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be… But dont fret about it… She moved in with me.

6. You totaled your car… and cant remember why… could it have been… that case of Bud Dry

An elderly gentlemen had been living with his spinster daughter for some years. One day, upon returning home he heard an unusual whirring noise. Wandering around the first floor, he noticed that the noise seemed to be coming from somewhere upstairs.

He proceeded up the stairs to investigate. Walking around, he realized that the noise increased as he neared his daughters closed bedroom door. Whereupon he quickly open the door to make sure that everything was alright.

He was astonished by the sight of his daughter, stretched out naked on her bed with a vibrator violently shaking in her hand.

Sylvie! What in tarnation is goin on? He shouted!

Sylvie, without hesitation replied: Daddy, I have needs! Isnt it obvious? I know that Im not going to find anybody to marry, so please leave me alone, and shut the door on your way out.

Somewhat chagrined, he retreated, and closed the door as he exited.

Not too many days later, his daughter returned home from doing some errands. When she entered the living room, she was surprised to hear an unusual whirring noise coming from somewhere.

As she walked around, she realized that the noise was coming from somewhere on the second floor. When she walked around the upstairs hall, she realized that the noise originated from behind her fathers closed bedroom door.

Throwing the door open, she was astonished to see her father, dressed in a tuxedo, with a glass of bourbon in one hand, and her vibrator violently shaking the other.

Daddy! What in tarnation is goin on? She shouted!

Without hesitation, he replied Sylvie, I have needs too! Isnt it obvious? Im having a drink with my son-in-law! So please leave us alone, and shut the door on your way out.