Old and New Jokes

The Perverse Guide to Getting Hired
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu

Chapter 1 – The Resume

Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the
essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab
a personnel directors attention with your sheer, overpowering
wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of
her parakeets cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well
run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the
appliance store, fighting for the choicest refigerator carton to
live in.

To grab an employers jaded eye you must create the written
equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunters
orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment
with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your
name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says
Check ME out! Im no shrinking violet! Sprinkle a bit of your
most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a
good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Dont forget your
picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8×10
glossies from Glamor Shots on top.

Now that youve achieved that visceral oomph, its time to
polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive
qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any
qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a
salable skill. Lets look at some examples of putting the best
spin on a job seekers skills:

I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardees.

A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short?
Describe yourself as a Grill Coordinator, or perhaps a
Culinary Technician.

I subbed in for my nephews paper route one weekend.

Ah! So you were previously employed in Communication
Services! Describe yourself as a Journalism Representative.

I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos
and watching Charlies Angels reruns.

You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by
referring to yourself as a Consumer Broadcasting Specialist.
Let them know how much time youve wisely invested in Popular
Drama Studies.

I worked in telemarketing.

Die you scumbag.

I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out
in a puddle of my own urine.

I see! An Alternative Hygiene Researcher who throws
himself into his work!

Always remember to use active, can-do language in your
resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as
possible:

Excellence (cant get enough of this one!)
Goal-oriented
Forward-thinking
Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
Striving (everyone likes a striver!)

It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.

Chapter 2 – The Interview

So now youve got that big chance to shine in person. Once
again, youve got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider
your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a
lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available
in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your
professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and
consider adding a little thumb twist manuever or a good high-
five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so
make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump
right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Heres
some suggestions for opening lines:

The voices told me Im perfect for this job.
I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie,
that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze.
Maybe you cant tell, but Im not wearing any underwear.
Lets make this fast, Im late for my medication.
The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays.
I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their
starship.
I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?
I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109,
it will be your last!

Now that youve made a big impression, make sure youll have
plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider
handcuffing yourself to the interviewers desk, or perhaps smear
super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting Wonder twin
powers, activate!

Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A
gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new
dollar in the closing handshake while saying Guess Mr.
Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)
And certainly dont forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining
order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour
thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well. Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks! A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bushs chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad! Dubya says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?

New Official Politically Correct Terms for 1991.
You Must Comply

Old New

conservative reactionary
The Establishment White Power Elite
hearing person temporarily aurally abled
sighted person temporarily visually abled
blind visually challenged
mute vocally challenged
dead metabolically different
alive temporarily metabolically abled
ugly aesthetically challenged
rude politically correct ™
psychopath socially misaligned
bald follicularly challenged
non-white, non-male oppressed
white melanin impoverished/genetically oppressive
white male oppressor
black african-american
asian asian-american
afro-american african-american

pregnancy parasitic oppression

janitor sanitation engineer
dish washer utensil sanitizer

dairy where cows are raped
ranch where cattle are murdered
egg ranch where hens are raped

biology department where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of the imperialistic drug companies

fishing raping the oceans
farming exploiting mother earth

paper bag processed tree carcass
female person of gender
horn-dog person of ardor
drooling drunk idiot person on floor
group of whites L.A.P.D.
girl pre-womin
boy oppressor to be

[Ed: Some at the end are from the Kalamazoo Colleges newspaper,
provided by Jamie R. McCarthy)]

This really happened last week according to various net.sources.

Last weeks anti-Bush protest in Portland, Oregon got violent.
As the police beat and arrested the protesters, people
yelled:

Bad cop! No donut!

Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so
people wont park on your lawn.

Use it as building material. (This is actually what the
Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)

Keep one under your pillow for home defense.

Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them
to take you off their list.

Its colorful, use it as a Yule Log.

Carve the Presidents faces in one and submit it as a
science project.

Give one to your boss and tell him its a life preserver.

Use it as a base for flower arrangements.

Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel
blocks.

Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag
marked lawn fertilizer.

For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build
an artificial reef.
Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to
keep your feet dry.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple martini. Thirty seconds later a lady walks in and ordered a triple martini.

The bartender says Wow! Two back-to-back triple martinis! Are you celebrating anything?

She says Yes, for ten years, Ive been trying to get pregnant and this morning I left the doctors office and he said I was pregnant!

The bartender looks at the guy and says Are you celebrating anything?

And
the guy says Yes. I breed peacocks. And for ten years, Ive been trying to breed a peacock with blue eyes. I walked out from the birdhouse this morning and there was a beautiful, blue-eyed peacock!

The bartender says Congratulations!! Howd ja do it?

He said I changed cocks.

She said, Me, too!

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

What are you doing?, asked the Mom.

Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband.

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. What the hell are you doing?, he asked.

His daughter replied, I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as Ill ever get to a husband.

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.

For Christs sake, what are you doing? she cried.

The husband replied, What does it look like Im doing?

Im having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!

-How do you get down from an elephant?

You dont. You get down from a duck.

-Why did the elephant paint himself all different colors?

So he could hide in the crayon box.

-Why do elephants have wrinkles?

Because they are so hard to iron.

-Why did the elephant put skates on before he went to bed?

Because he wanted to get rolling in the morning.

-Why cant an elephant ride a tricycle?

Because it doesnt have a thumb to ring the bell.

-Why do elephants wear sunglasses?

So no one will recognize them.

-Why are elephants such poor dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

-What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?

Time to get a new fence.

-Why cant elephants go swimming at the beach?

Because they cant keep their trunks up.

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dogs mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dogs mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since its closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices its the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

Theres no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Gods sake!

To which the guy responds, Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week hes forgotten his key!

Gentlemen:

I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you dont understand why it wasnt. Well, I will enlighten you.

In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.

In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death. In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $

88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.

In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).

In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor told me to try to create some excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had.

The next year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best bull.

In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan. The queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted like shit so I couldnt sell it.

So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me trouble. Right now if it costs two cents to shit, Id have to puke. Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcats ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try.

Yours for more credit,

Max