Overheard in the Engineering department here at Cal Poly:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.
Another said, no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.
The last said, actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?
A guy goes to his doctor and says,
Doc, I have a problem.
My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.
I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.
The doctor says, You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.
The man says, You have a deal Doc.
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor asks, What happened?
The man answered, Nobody showed up!
None. Thats a sophomore course.
A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
Mr. Smith, youre going to be just fine, said the nun, gently patting his hand. We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?
No, Im not, the man whispered hoarsely. Can you pay in cash? persisted the nun. Im afraid I cannot, Sister. Well, do you have any close relatives? the nun essayed. Just my sister in New York, he volunteered. But shes a spinster nun.
Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters; they are married to God.
Really…wonderful, said Smith. In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!
Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, If Im pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom. The red head replies,If Im pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top. The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, Then Im gonna have puppies !
One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, Whats the matter Jim?
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, Throw me my 7-iron… You cant get out of here with an 8-iron!
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!
God smiled. Think about it — who can he tell?
NASHVILLE, TN — With sales of God Bless The U.S.A. waning after a five-month surge, country singer Lee Greenwood urged the U.S. to take military action against Iraq Monday. Saddam Hussein is a despot with strong ties to terrorism, and his regime must be toppled, Greenwood said.
Unfortunately, our best chance of doing so is to send brave young American soldiers into dangerous, emotionally stirring combat situations.
Greenwood added that he would probably be willing to perform his signature hit for the troops during a live CBS special if asked.
How many men do you need to screw on a light bulp?
One. Theyll screw anything.
How many Finns does it take to change a light bulp?
Unknown, becouse when Finns notice that the light bulp is made of glass and
that it has threads they spend the entire night trying to fix it!
How many software pirates does it take to change a light bulp?
3, first one gets as new a light bulp as possible, the second changes it and
the third one codes an intro that says what they just achieved.
How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulp?
One. Bono holds up the light bulp, and the universe revolves around his ass.
How many Lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulp?
50 to do it and the others to stand around and say, I could do that
better.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulp?
They have a machine that does that now.
How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We dont know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.
How many Englishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you mean change it? Its a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had
it for a thousand years and it has worked just fine.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.
How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They dont need to, they glow in the dark.
How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two – one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
They dont bother. They just change the standard to darkness. (Continuation:
Of course, the darkness isnt yet complete in version 1.0, but Microsoft
promises that in the next release it will be.)
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the t-shirts.
How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six
months anyway.
How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while theyre arguing. Finally
a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of
him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of
the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the
function is exponential is not known.
How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she/hell swear up and down that it was just as easy for him
as it would be for a Macintosh user.
How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None – it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None – theres no documentation available, so you have to wait until a
third-party supplier comes out with a solution. Did you try rebooting with
extensions off?
Just one, but the new light bulbs arent compatible with the old sockets, so
he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new
one.
Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the
bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the look and
feel of the bulb changing method.
Mac users dont screw, they just click the genital icon.
How many Newtons does it take to change a light bulb?
Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup. Farm.
How many Newton users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.
One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age." The man doesnt believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try. "Pull down your pants," she says. He doesnt understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "Youre 84 years old." "Thats amazing," the man says. "How did you know?" "You told me yesterday."