A: She had just bought Always with wings.
31
Dec
31
Dec
One day in Dodge city a cowboy rides into town. He pulls up outside the saloon and gets off his horse. He ties the horse up and then walks round the back of it, lifts the tail and kisses the horses backside with puckered lips. He then walks into the saloon.
Across the street an old timer cant believe what hes just seen so he rushes across and bursts into the saloon where he sees the cowboy drinking at the bar.
Hey mister, he says. Did I just see you kiss that hoss ass?
Yep.
If you dont mind me askin. Why dya do that?
Cos I got chapped lips, replies the cowboy.
And kissin your hoss ass cures chapped lips?
Nope, says the cowboy, but it sure stops you lickin them.
31
Dec
April 15th is Tax Day in the USA. Heres some humor to help you through it.
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.
And what, his friend asked, do you want me to do with your ashes?
The businessman said, Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service, and write on the envelope, Now you have everything.
I just heard the most marvelous rumor of them all… that Form 1040 has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats!
A new arrival, about to enter a hospital, saw two white-coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
Excuse me, he said, have you lost something?
No, replied one of the doctors. Were doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and need to find a suitable stone.
Dear IRS,
I would like to cancel my subscription.
Please remove me from your mailing list.
Called in for an audit, the young man was confronted by a surly IRS agent.
It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor, and yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake…?
Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, Yup, it surely was.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Thank God for the IRS – Without them Id be stinking rich!
31
Dec
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. So, he said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000. The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.
Now then, Im returning $5,000, and were going to decide this case solely on its merits.
31
Dec
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, the rabbi turns to the priest and hands him a twenty dollar bill and says, Hey Father…here’s that $20 I owe you.
31
Dec
Disorder in the Court: a Collection of Transquips
Collected by Richard Lederer, reprinted in N.H. Business Review
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every
statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers
in two books – Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilmans two volumes, here
are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by Americas keepers
of the word:
Q. What is your brother-in-laws name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. Whats his first name?
A. I cant remember.
Q. Hes been your brother-in-law for years, and you cant remember
his first name?
A. No. I tell you Im too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for Gods sake, tell them
your first name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, Im divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didnt know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by
Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldnt pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can
identify me.
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dogs ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not
to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,
with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Before we recess, lets listen to one last exchange involving a child:
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
31
Dec
An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
Well, said the American, I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.
Thats amazing! said one of the doctors, But what happened to the other two?
Last I saw them, replied the American, the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!
31
Dec
Through infinite myst, software reverberates
In code possessd of invisible folly.
Wilt thou dare interface
With thy Apple Macintosh keypad
By toggling my tweaky bosom?
Alack!
Leave laserjet laughter to the laptop lover.
Behold beta beauty in a keyboards keen kindness.
Now yet torment thy melancholy hardware
By always vexing the amorous flame
Of thine model motherboard.
This tyrant widget conceals scuzzy games
And pleasure treasured dear:
Then kiss me.
Celestial evils idolatrous template within AOL
Will deceive some cybersex users
And email cancel our service.
Tis a rare tongue
That many maiden bugs command,
Revealing bounteous distress,
Trashing bold memory:
Click and crash gloriously.
Weep not, beauteous Microsoft!
Hereafter reboot.
31
Dec
Youre so ugly, yo momma had to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get the dog to play with you.
Yo mommas so fat that the last time that she wore a T-shirt with a X on it a helicopter tried to land on her.
Your dog is so dumb that if you were to cut off his tail and make him walk backwards hed start wagging his head!
31
Dec
What do you call a blond with half a brain?