You might be a redneck if your father walks you to school because youre both in the same grade!

Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power-outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his
little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, He shouldnt have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again.

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, Id like to register my new invention. Its a folding bottle.

OK, says the clerk. What do you call it?

A fottle, replies the inventor.

A fottle? Thats a stupid! Cant you think of something else?

I can think about it. Ive got something else though. Its a folding carton.

And what do you call that? asks the clerk.

A farton, replies the inventor.

Thats rude. You cant possibly call it that!

In that case, says the inventor…

Youre really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.

I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.

Can I borrow that quarter, cause my mom told me to call home when I fell in love

Whats wrong? Youre looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me.

Are your legs tired? cause you been running through my mind ALL day long.

Are you lost? cause its so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

Is your father a thief? cause he stole the sparkle from the stars, and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared with a snappy answer just in case she says yes)

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

Whats that in your eye? Oh…its a sparkle.

If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?

Can I see that label? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven.

Do you like raisins? How about a date?

So… How am I doin?

I miss my teddy bear…Would you sleep with me?

You look great and all, but do you know whatd really look good on you? Me.

Could I get some directions? (To where?) To your heart.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

Can I flirt with you?

Hi, my names _____, but you can call me lover.

(another quarter line). Could I borrow a quarter? cause I just want to call your mother and thank her.

(lick your finger and then touch her shirt). Here, let me help you out of those wet clothes.

What do you like for breakfast?

Say, did we go to different schools together?

Hi, my name is _____, how do you like me so far?

(At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?

Woman asks, Excuse me, do you have the time? You : Do you have the energy?

You look like the type of girl thats heard every line in the book. So whats one more?

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

Im new in town…could you give me directions to your apartment?

I think youre the most beautiful girl Ive seen…on a Wednesday

I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?

I know I dont look like much now, but Im drinking milk.

Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Are you religious? Good, cause Im here to answer your prayers.

Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven.

Inheriting 80 million doesnt mean much when you have a weak heart.

I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

If your parents hadnt met, Id be a very unhappy man right now.

Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.

A little girl asked her father,
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with Once Upon A Time?He replied,
No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with If elected I promise.

I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe hes a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized,warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men dont even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.

On this count alone, Im convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzens rack would already Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, hed still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa cant possibly be a man: Men cant pack a bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened … having to be seen with all those elves. Men dont answer their mail. (unless its email) Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a bowlful of jelly. Men arent interested in stockings unless somebodys wearing them. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous – Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

A woman goes to her doctor and said she wanted and operation done because her vagina lips were much too large.
She then asked the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she didnt want anyone to find out, so the doctor agreed.
She woke up from her operation only to find three roses carefully placed beside her in bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor. She said to him, I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!.
The doctor told her he did not and not to worry. He then continued… The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation and she had the operation done herself.
Just then the girl asked about the third rose.
The doctor said: Oh, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Why do blondes where underwear?

To keep their ankles warm.

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because its a lot of money.

They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, I make bets.

The president replies, Bets? What kind of bets? and she says, For example, Ill bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.

Ha! says the president, Thats a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet.

The old lady says, So, would you like to take my bet?

Sure, says the president, Ill bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!

The little old lady says, OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 9:00 AM to witness?

Sure, says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 9 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the presidents office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the presidents balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.

Well, OK says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, What is wrong with your lawyer?

She replies, Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by noon today Id have The Bank of Americas presidents balls in my hands!