Old and New Jokes

(This joke tends to be better spoken.)

This guy had three kittens who liked to play in the guys pond in his front yard. One day, they all fell in and started drowning. Luckily, the guy was outside and was able to save them. He told them that they better be careful because he might not be there to save them.

Sure enough, the next day, they were out playing in the pond and fell in. Some guy down the street saw them and rushed to try to save them, but was too late. So, he went to the door, and when the owner answered, the guy said, Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinque.

WANKY PANKY

– fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky

THRUSTER BUSTER

– a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouses car in the driveway or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent

RUBBER FLUBBER

– sudden realization that the condom has broken

BOOBIE LUBEY

– stimulation of a females breasts to arouse sexual interest

DICKIE LICKIE

– oral stimulation of the males private parts

TUSHIE PUSHIE

– doggie-style sexual intercourse

PECKER WRECKER

– oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth

FUCKIE SUCKIE

– oral sex and sexual intercourse both

STINKIE PINKIE

– the result of sexual stimulation of the females private parts by the males hands

HUMMER CUMMER

– I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!

A mans house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody. So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in there?" The man replies, "Im turning over my mother in law."

Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages from God. This non-denominational campaign, was sponsored by an anonymous client. How cool to drive by one of these billboards!

1. Lets Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game – God

2. Cmon Over And Bring The Kids – God

3. What Part of Thou Shalt Not… Didnt You understand? – God

4. We Need To Talk – God

5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And Ill Make Rush Hour Longer – God

6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage – God

7. That Love Thy Neighbor Thing, I Meant It. – God

8. I Love You … I Love You … I Love You … – God

9. Will The Road Youre On Get You To My Place? – God

10. Follow Me. – God

11. Big Bang Theory, Youve Got To Be Kidding. – God

12. My Way Is The Highway. – God

13. Need Directions? – God

14. You Think Its Hot Here? – God

15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. – God

16. Need a Marriage Counselor? Im Available. – God

17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test. – God

Russell Crowe says that since hes put his Oscar in his barn, his chickens have been laying bigger eggs. In a related story, actor Cuba Gooding, Jr. says that since he won his Oscar, his movies have been laying bigger eggs.

My wife and I have an agreement that works… She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.

This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.

I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.

A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

A man in St. Louis, Missouri, has a business in which he cleans womens houses, in the nude, for $80. Hes making a fortune on this — not because hes naked, but because women want to see a man clean the house.

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed
with another man. (Sounds familiar, right?) So he dragged the man
down the stairs to the garage and put his John Thomas in a vise. He
secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, STOP! STOP! YOURE NOT GOING TO.. TO..
CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye:

Nope. You are. Im going to set the garage on fire.

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers

25 White wine

35 Red wine

48 Dom Perignon

66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 Need to wash my hair

25 Need to wash and condition my hair

35 Need to color my hair

48 Need to have Francois color my hair

66 Need to have Francois color my wig

AGE FAVORITE SPORT

17 shopping

25 shopping

35 shopping

48 shopping

66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 Burger King

25 Free meal

35 A diamond

48 A bigger diamond

66 Home Alone

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY

17 tall, dark and handsome

25 tall, dark and handsome with money

35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain

48 a man with hair

66 a man

AGE WHATS THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 17

25 25

35 35

48 48

66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE

17 He offers to pay

25 He pays

35 He cooks breakfast the next morning

48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

66 He can chew breakfast