Old and New Jokes

One day a guy went to a grocery store and the bagger boy asked him Paper

or Plastic and the man said, Uh…paper I guess.

Then the bagger boy said your total is $56.35.

The man took out his wallet and said Real or Counterfeit.

There was a Chinese dude, a Mexican dude, and a Blonde dude. The Chinese dude says, What?!! Sushi again? If I have to eat sushi for lunch again, Im gonna jump off a building! Then the Mexican dude says, What?!! Tacos again? If I have to eat tacos for lunch again, Im gonna jump off a building too! And then finally, the Blonde dude says, What?!! A sandwich again? If I have to eat a sandwich for lunch again, Im gonna jump off a building also! At the funeral, the wife of the Chinese dude said, If I knew you didnt like sushi, I wouldnt have made it for you anymore! Then the wives of the Mexican dude said, If we knew you didnt like tacos, we wouldnt have made it for you anymore! And everyone in tears looks at the Blonde dudes wife. All she had to say was, What?!! HE MADE HIS OWN LUNCH!!!!!

A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store decided to install a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

The young lad was most intrigued by this machine, and he asked if he could be allowed to work the machine. The manager refused, but the youngster couldnt understand why not.

The store manager explained it to him:

Sorry, kid, but baggers cant be juicers.

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

What do they say?, the priest asked.

They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible, the priest exclaimed, But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

Thank you. said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered.

The loud repercussions

of diet discussions

Can set you to groaning aloud
By raising the issue

of adipose tissue

With which you feel over endowed.
You determine to lose,

but which method to use?

Theyre all couched in such intricate terms
That you long to get hold

of those wise men of old

Who sponsored the Diet of Worms.

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck cant do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

A blonde decided to decorate her bedroom. She wasnt sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need but he knew that her friend (also a blonde) next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

Buffy, she said, How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?

Ten, said Buffy.

So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.

Buffy, she said. I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but Ive got 2 left over!

Yes, said Buffy. So did I.

What is the perfect wife? A good-looking, sex-craved, chef who owns a liquor store.

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish.
The hardware engineer went first. I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me. The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me. The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project managers turn. And what would your wish be? asked the genie. I want them both back after lunch replied the project manager.

Did you ever watch the movie What about Bob??

Well heres a poem from it:

Roses are red

violets are blue

Im a schizophrenic

and so am I!