Old and New Jokes

He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friends wifes brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.

He was Born April 21st, 1818. He didnt become Josh Billings til he was forty years old. Between then and his death in 1885, he produced a plethora of pithy aphorisms. Consider these:

Theres a great power in words, if you dont hitch too many of them together.

About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.

Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt of, not swallowed.

As a general rule, if you want to get at the truth – hear both sides and believe neither.

Solitude: A good place to visit, but a poor place to stay.

As long as we are lucky we attribute it to our smartness; our bad luck we give the gods credit for.

When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him.

One-half the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.

Keep a cow, and the milk wont have to be watered but once.

I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am the most concerned of the first time.

The trouble with people is not that they dont know but that they know so much that aint so.

As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.

Confess your sins to the Lord, and you will be forgiven; confess them to men, and you will be laughed at.

Whats the definition of disgusting?

Your giving your grandmother a kiss and she slips her tongue in.

Whats the definition of weird?

Your having sex with a pregnant woman and something grabs your dick.

Whats the defintion of suspicious?

Two men walk out of the toilet, ones zipping up his pants and the

other is licking his lips.

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctors for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God? And the man says, Oh me and God? Were tight. We have a real bond, hes good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off. Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.He called the mans wife and said, Id like to speak to you about your husbands connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true? And she says, That idiot, hes been peeing in the refrigerator!

After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, an unhappy
husband finally confronted her.

Admit it, Linda, he said, The only reason you married me is because
my grandfather left me $10 million.

Dont be ridiculous! she shot back. I dont care who left it to
you.

Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, Sweetheart, youre gonna get hair on your Twinkie.
She says, Yes, I know, and Im gonna get boobs too.

Why is the word abbreviate so long?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for thesaurus?

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, Doc, Im constipated. The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, Lean over the table.



The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, Doc, I feel great. What should I do?



The doctor says, Stop wiping with cement bags.