HOW TO BEHAVE WHEN YOU DISCOVER YOUR DAUGHTER NECKING IN THE LIVING ROOM:

Wait until the young man has gone home, go into your daughters room and say to her as follows:

Miriam.

Oh, hi, Ma.

Miriam, I saw. I saw what you were doing in there.

Oh.

Miriam, who taught you this?

Oh, for Gods sake, Ma. Im a big girl now.

Miriam, we are decent people. We have always tried to teach you the right thing. How could you do this to us?

Ma, for Gods sake, I was only kissing …

Do you know what your father will do when I tell him? Do you?

No, but …

He will have a heart attack, thats what he will do. I promise you.

Look, Ma, you dont have to tell …

Not only that, just think what the neighbors would say if they knew.

Look …

For this I had to save your teeth straightened? For this I bought you contact lenses? For this I paid good money to have them teach you how to speak French?

Ma …

Ach, I dont know what to do with you.

(Pause)

My own daughter, a streetwalker.

(Pause)

If you have any consideration for your parents at all, youll do the only decent thing.

Whats that?

Youll leave this house and youll not come back until youre a virgin.

(By Dan Greenburg, How to be a Jewish Mother)

Doctors son: Hello, old man. Whats the matter? Youre looking glum.

Doctor: No wonder. Im attending that wealthy Mr Golddig, you know, and Ive sent him the wrong medicine.

Son: Indeed! Is it a serious blunder?

Doctor: Very, very serious. The medicine Ive sent him will cure him in two days.

Last year authorities in Montana discovered that a hermit had been living in an old Forest Service cabin, and they were concerned about his well being. They decided to send up a team of experts from different fields to analyze his living arrangements, and to make sure that he was okay.

First they decided on a Psychologist, to make sure that the man was mentally handling his isolation. Next, they decided on an Engineer, to make sure that the cabin is still structurally sound and safe. Finally, they decided on a Theological professor from the university, to make sure that the mans spiritual needs were being fulfilled.

The team made its way up the treacherous terrain in three days, but they were truly exhausted. Finally, on the evening of the third day, they spotted the cabin. From the outside, it appeared all was well.

The area around the cabin was clean, the ground almost appearing as though it had been swept often. There was smoke coming from the stove pipe chimney, and the door was slightly ajar.

Cautiously, they walked inside.

Inside the cabin everything appeared neat and tidy. The only thing that stood out, and this immediately caught the attention of all three men, was that the stove was suspended 18 inches off of the floor by about a hundred wires attached to the ceiling. The pattern of the wires was very intricate, cutting this way and that, and it appeared to be a very sturdy arrangement.

At first, all three men did not know what to make of the arrangement. Finally with a loud, Oh yes! the Psychologist spoke. This very clearly explains this mans desire to return to the womb. He has arranged the stove so that he can crawl underneath to, once again, feel the warmth of the womb.

Nonsense! exclaimed the Engineer. This serves a very clear and definite thermodynamic purpose. He has lifted the stove so as to reduce the zone which the heat has to permeate, allowing the cold air to remain within the cabin, locking the heat in place. This man is a genius.

The Theological Professor stayed quiet a moment longer, but then he too spoke. I hate to disappoint you both, but I believe you are both wrong. The placement of fire on raised altars has always been a significant emblem of the existence of faith and religion in cultures of the past and present. It would clearly be that this man has created an altar for whatever faith he has clung onto or, worse yet, created.

At this, the three men argued until there was a loud knock at the door, and the three men turned to see that the hermit had returned to his home. Immediately the three men approached him and demanded to know the significance of the placement of the stove.

The hermit stared at the three men long enough to hush them up, and then he spoke.

Simple…had to fix stove pipe…plenty of wire…not enough stove pipe!

You might be a redneck if…
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

*** You just cant win, and here are the reasons why: ***

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, youre a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, youre a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you dont work enough, youre a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.

If you cry, youre a wimp. If you dont, youre insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, youre a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, shes a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesnt enjoy, thats domination. If she asks you, its a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, youre a sexist. If you dont, youre unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, youre vain. If you dont, youre a slob.

If you buy her flowers, youre after something. If you dont, youre not thoughtful.

If youre proud of your achievements, youre up on yourself. If you dont, youre not ambitious.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

A lawyer was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. The rancher suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked the lawyer what he was doing on his property.
Retrieving this duck that I just shot, he replied.
That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it’s mine, replied the rancher.
The lawyer asked the rancher if he knew who he was talking to. No, replied the rancher, I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I am a high priced attorney with a practice in New York. And if you don’t let me get that duck, I can sue you for your ranch, your truck, your cattle, and everything else you own. I’ll leave you penniless on the street.
Well, said the rancher, In Montana the only law we go by is the ‘3 kicks law’.
Never heard of it, said the lawyer.
The rancher said, I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours.
The lawyer thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old guy. Fair enough, he said.
So the rancher kicked the lawyer violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the rancher kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, the lawyer slowly made it back to his feet.
Alright, now it’s my turn, said the lawyer.
Aw, forget it, said the rancher, you can have the duck.

One day Timmy was on the school bus talking to the bus driver. Timmmy said, If my mommy was an elephant and my daady was and elephant, then I would be a baby elephant. The driver was not amused, he had a severe headache from all the kids. Timmy kept talking, If my mommy was a cat and my daddy was a cat I would be a kitten. The bus driver snapped at Timmy and said, If your mom was a hooker and your dad was a retard what would you be? Timmy looked up at the man and said, I would be a bus driver.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 – Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a freakin jerk.
PISCES (Feb 19 – Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses.
ARIES (Mar 21 – Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS (Apr 20 – May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist.
GEMINI (May 21 – Jun 20) You are quick and intelligent and a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER (Jun 21 – Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a damn.
LEO (Jul 23 – Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sep 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA (Sep 23 – Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of veneral disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 – Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting fucked.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

John: "Did you hear the one about the father shoe?"
Sara: "No, what about it?"
John: "It was its familys SOLE support!"