I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever.

Actually, it wasnt really the *greatest* sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didnt exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.

To be factual, we didnt actually have sex per se, but we came very close.

You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely… well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasnt fondling me… well, really, I wasnt actually *fondling* her, our bodies just got very close together.

To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her. Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasnt really her that I brushed into, it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in. Although, the chair was…on the other side of a wall you see… in another room sort of.

And I was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair was very close to the wall, very close.

Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of… on the street… leaning against the building.

But wow!

What a night.

What a night.

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever sides dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshunds neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. We dont understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.Thats nothing, an American replied. Do you know how hard it is to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

You might be a redneck if…
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

What do you call lice on a bald mans head? Homeless.

Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death.

Amazingly, the thinking man has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, in a pickle. Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis sativus possesses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand.

Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative:

99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
96.9 % of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 6 months preceding the accident.
93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently.

Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile U S soil are devoted to growing pickles. Americans per capita annual consumption is nearly four pounds.

Alternative: Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as one does with eating pickles.

A woman walks into a doctors office and when she sees the person wearing white she says: Oh, Doc I have this terrible stomach ache for a few days, whats wrong with me?

He asks her to undress, lie on the bed and spread her legs. After a short examination he says: Oh my God, Ive never seen such a thing. Can you wait until I get someone else to see you?

He returns in a few minutes with another guy wearing white that performs the same examination and reacts: Youre right, but Ive never seen such a thing as well.

The woman that was very tense: Doctors, can you please tell me whats wrong with me?

They: We dont know, were only the painters. The doctors are out for lunch.

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run….run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya! A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his
knowledge of the game, screams R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya! The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run! All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan,sensing his embarrassment whisper, He doesnt have to run, hes got four
balls. After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, Press bell for night watchman.

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

Well, he snarled at the blonde, what do you want?

I just want to know why you cant ring the bell for yourself?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, You know, I dont know what else to do. Whenever I go home after weve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says, Well, youre obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, You as horny as I am? . . . and, she always acts like shes sound asleep!

on the subject of cajuns and lake charle
as we were discussing earlier……..

Jean Paul and Beaudry, two Louisiana natives, were the best
of friends. They had grown up together in the backwoods and did
everything together; huntin, fishin, drinkin, just everything.
One day they arrived home from a night of coon huntin and Beaudry
found his wife not at home. He waited and then called around looking
for her, but never could locate her. He called on his friend Jean Paul
and called his wifes church friends and the sheriff, but no one knew
where she was. After three days Beaudry became despondant and depressed.
that afternoon Jean Paul came by and found his compadre sitting on the
porch, his eyes red and strained from worry.

Beaudry my frien, Jean Paul placed a firm hand on his buddys
shoulder. I have good news and bad news .

Oh no. Tell me Jean Paul. I know it must be about my wife.

Im afraid so. I was out with the sheriff and his deputy this
morning and we found her car. She had gone through the guard rail
and sunk into cottonmouth bayou.

OH MY LORD! Beaudry wailed I just knew it would be like this!
My poor Yvonne! How will I make it without her! He cradled his head
in his arms and began to sob. Jean Paul did his best to comfort him,
as they sat there on the porch.Jean Paul, you mentioned some good news.
Please.. tell it to me. I need to hear something comforting in the midst
of all my sorrow.

Well, Jean Paul said,when we pulled her up out of the water
we found 16 crawdad and 4 blue crab latched onto her, so we gonna float
her out again tonight !