What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

Whats the defintion of confusion?

20 blind lesbians at a fish market.

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Smith looked out the window. Good lord! he screamed, one of the engines just caught fire! Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine caught fire on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldnt maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.

There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached one of the packages to their backs. Say, an alert passenger spoke up, arent those parachutes? The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?

There isnt, replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. Were going to get help.

The priest was preparing a man for his long days journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?

The dying man said, Until I know where Im heading, I dont think I ought to aggravate anybody.

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesnt
   (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the
   workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an
   average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, thats 91.8 million homes. One
   presumes theres at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the
   rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out
   to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good
   children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
   chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
   snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the
   next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the
   earth (which, of course,we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will
   accept),we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million
   miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus
   feeding and etc. This means that Santas sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
   times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on
   earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional
   reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets
   nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons,
   not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional
   reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer (see point
   #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
   We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the
   sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen
   Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will
   heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earths atmosphere.
   The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
   Each. In short,they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind
   them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be
   vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
   centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems
   ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, hes dead now.

the queen one day summoned the 3 people who worshipped the strangest g-ds.an israeli came,an arab came and a hindu came.they were each asked which g-ds they worshipped.the arab saidallahthe hindu said budda and the israeli said me?oh i worship the fan.

The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldnt say who was responsible.

All right ! bellowed her Mother, you march yourself to your room, and dont come out until you can give us a definite answer.

Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs. Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.

I should hope so ! the Mother responded. The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.

Chill Mom. the girl said. I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team!