Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift!
31
Dec
31
Dec
Business Rules to Live By
If you cant get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Dont be irreplaceable, if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.
It doesnt matter what you do, it only matters what you say youve done and what youre going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your bosss boss off your bosss back.
Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isnt the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldnt.
If it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you dont know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
31
Dec
An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.
31
Dec
Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong? Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole – it holds very difficult memories for me.
One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!
Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible!
Horrible? You think its horrible?
Bob cried in disbelief; It was worse than that!!!!
Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice…
31
Dec
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With the entire bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant Take another drink!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out! The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees, overcome with joy.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left, then to the right… Right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, He should have quit while he was a head
31
Dec
A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and
again that If you shoot a deer, dont let someone else claim
that they shot it also and that since they killed it… its
their deer!
So … hes in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when
he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand
to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly
disclaiming… Its your deer lady..Its your deer… Just
lemme get my saddle off it!!!!
31
Dec
Whats the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
31
Dec
The jetliner was taking off from Chicagos OHare airport.
Shortly after it reached the cruising altitude, the captain began his normal welcoming remarks…
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. . . Welcome to Flight 4295, nonstop from Chicago to Newark. Our weather ahead is good and with the tail wind we anticipate a smooth and uneventful flight. So sit back and relax – OH NO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the intercom came to life once again. The calm voice of the captain said, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was finishing my announcement, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the whole thing right my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
A passenger in Coach said, Yeah, right… He should see the back of mine!
31
Dec
A golfer was having such a terrible day one day that he couldnt help but take it out on his caddy. Youre terrible! he screamed. When we get back to the clubhouse, Im going to see that you get fired!
Thats okay by me, the caddy replied calmly. By the time we get back to the clubhouse, Ill be old enough to get a regular job!
31
Dec
Theres this mushroom who walks into a bar one night. All he wants is one beer. So he goes up to the bar, hops up on the stool and asks the bartender for a beer.
Bartender: Sorry mister, cant give it to ya. Mushroom: Cmon, just one beer..please? Bartender: Nope, cant do it.
The mushroom looks around and says again, Cmon, just..just one beer and then Ill leave you alone. Bartender: Look, for the last time…Im not serving you the damn beer!
Finally the mushroom says to the bartender, Hey, cmon man…Im a Fun-gi!