Old and New Jokes

One day I recieved a letter from grandma…

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, Im glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didnt notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadnt honked, Id never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or someething. Well, Ive never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I atttended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

A friend of mine sent this to me and I would like to share it with all of you.

A Koala bear and a hooker were having sex, during the sex the Koala bear goes down on the hooker.

After they were finished the Koala bear got up and started to walk out. The hooker stopped him and said you have to pay me.

The koala bear shook his head. So, the hooker pulls out a dictionary and shows the bear the defintion of a hooker – have sex and get paid for it.

The Koala bear then asked for the dictionary and show ed her the definition of a Koala bear – eats bush and leaves.

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed
to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. Only a shilling? said the man. Only
a shilling to bury an attorney? Heres a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them.

Doesnt get the joke.

Monica Lewinsky mentioned to her college room mate, Kathleen OMalley, that she would be going home for Rosh Hashanah.


Kathleen asked Is that the holiday when you light the candles?


Monica answered No, Thats Hannukah.


Oh responds Kathleen,is it the one where you eat un-leavened bread?


No, thats Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the Shofar!


Jeez said Kathleen You Jews are really nice to your servants

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, At least, theyre finally together.

A man standing next to the priest asks, Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?

The priest says, I mean her legs.

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire weeks wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, How would you like it if you didnt see me for two or three days? To which he replied, That would be fine with me.

Monday went by and he didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shafts all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I cant get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. Ive got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.

They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of duck waddling down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didnt agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.

One says, my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. Which of us is correct?

The old man replies, Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: Quawwwwk… vus macht du… Yeah, du… outside, standing like a putzel… eh?

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldnt believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot…

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. He speaks Yiddish?

Vuh den? Chinese maybe?

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his fathers adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven (**), and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.

One morning, on Rosh Hashana, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyers shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyers shoulder as one prayer and song passed – Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, Daven! Nothing.

Daven…parrot, you can daven, so daven…come on, everybodys looking at you! Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset as hell, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me?

Dont be an idiot, the parrot replied. Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!