Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says, Have a nice day!, tell them you have other plans.
During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the plegm back down
your throat.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Make a list of things you have already done.
Dance naked in front of pets.
Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if
nothing was wrong.
Thumb through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day.
Drive to work in reverse.
Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.
Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.
Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the
cashier where the fitting rooms are.
Q: What do blondes and screen doors both have in common?
A: The harder you bang them the looser they get.
Jim
decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood
illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease
that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo
much.
However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he
also had a deformity too.
Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said…. I too have a problem. My penis is
the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.
She said, Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis.
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked
Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one
another…As Sandy put her hands in Jims pants she began to scream and ran out
of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
You told me you penis was the size of an infant!, she said. Yes it is…..
8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!
HOW TO BEHAVE WHEN YOU DISCOVER YOUR DAUGHTER NECKING IN THE LIVING ROOM:
Wait until the young man has gone home, go into your daughters room and say to her as follows:
Miriam.
Oh, hi, Ma.
Miriam, I saw. I saw what you were doing in there.
Oh.
Miriam, who taught you this?
Oh, for Gods sake, Ma. Im a big girl now.
Miriam, we are decent people. We have always tried to teach you the right thing. How could you do this to us?
Ma, for Gods sake, I was only kissing …
Do you know what your father will do when I tell him? Do you?
No, but …
He will have a heart attack, thats what he will do. I promise you.
Look, Ma, you dont have to tell …
Not only that, just think what the neighbors would say if they knew.
Look …
For this I had to save your teeth straightened? For this I bought you contact lenses? For this I paid good money to have them teach you how to speak French?
Ma …
Ach, I dont know what to do with you.
(Pause)
My own daughter, a streetwalker.
(Pause)
If you have any consideration for your parents at all, youll do the only decent thing.
Whats that?
Youll leave this house and youll not come back until youre a virgin.
(By Dan Greenburg, How to be a Jewish Mother)
Q: A surd going to London on a plane, how can you steal his window seat?
A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What do you call a surd with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A SURD BELEIVED IN SMOKING.
A: He said Yes, Ive seen it done.
Doctors son: Hello, old man. Whats the matter? Youre looking glum.
Doctor: No wonder. Im attending that wealthy Mr Golddig, you know, and Ive sent him the wrong medicine.
Son: Indeed! Is it a serious blunder?
Doctor: Very, very serious. The medicine Ive sent him will cure him in two days.
Last year authorities in Montana discovered that a hermit had been living in an old Forest Service cabin, and they were concerned about his well being. They decided to send up a team of experts from different fields to analyze his living arrangements, and to make sure that he was okay.
First they decided on a Psychologist, to make sure that the man was mentally handling his isolation. Next, they decided on an Engineer, to make sure that the cabin is still structurally sound and safe. Finally, they decided on a Theological professor from the university, to make sure that the mans spiritual needs were being fulfilled.
The team made its way up the treacherous terrain in three days, but they were truly exhausted. Finally, on the evening of the third day, they spotted the cabin. From the outside, it appeared all was well.
The area around the cabin was clean, the ground almost appearing as though it had been swept often. There was smoke coming from the stove pipe chimney, and the door was slightly ajar.
Cautiously, they walked inside.
Inside the cabin everything appeared neat and tidy. The only thing that stood out, and this immediately caught the attention of all three men, was that the stove was suspended 18 inches off of the floor by about a hundred wires attached to the ceiling. The pattern of the wires was very intricate, cutting this way and that, and it appeared to be a very sturdy arrangement.
At first, all three men did not know what to make of the arrangement. Finally with a loud, Oh yes! the Psychologist spoke. This very clearly explains this mans desire to return to the womb. He has arranged the stove so that he can crawl underneath to, once again, feel the warmth of the womb.
Nonsense! exclaimed the Engineer. This serves a very clear and definite thermodynamic purpose. He has lifted the stove so as to reduce the zone which the heat has to permeate, allowing the cold air to remain within the cabin, locking the heat in place. This man is a genius.
The Theological Professor stayed quiet a moment longer, but then he too spoke. I hate to disappoint you both, but I believe you are both wrong. The placement of fire on raised altars has always been a significant emblem of the existence of faith and religion in cultures of the past and present. It would clearly be that this man has created an altar for whatever faith he has clung onto or, worse yet, created.
At this, the three men argued until there was a loud knock at the door, and the three men turned to see that the hermit had returned to his home. Immediately the three men approached him and demanded to know the significance of the placement of the stove.
The hermit stared at the three men long enough to hush them up, and then he spoke.
Simple…had to fix stove pipe…plenty of wire…not enough stove pipe!
You might be a redneck if…
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
*** You just cant win, and here are the reasons why: ***
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, youre a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, youre a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you dont work enough, youre a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, youre a wimp. If you dont, youre insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, youre a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, shes a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesnt enjoy, thats domination. If she asks you, its a favor.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, youre a sexist. If you dont, youre unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, youre vain. If you dont, youre a slob.
If you buy her flowers, youre after something. If you dont, youre not thoughtful.
If youre proud of your achievements, youre up on yourself. If you dont, youre not ambitious.
You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.