Your mom is so fat, that I knew her all my life, and I still havent seen all of her!

The Perfect Couple

Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer).

Answer: The perfect woman survived. Shes the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Men Keep scrolling

By the way, if youre a woman and youre still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

I just got Shatner to autograph my tush!
I think youre right, the hot chicks hang out at the X-Files convention.
OK, a Vulcan, a Betazoid and a Klingon walk into a bar …
But Ma — you said I could have my own phaser when I turned 40!
Oh darn, James Doohan is stuck in the door again.
OK, men, set your phasers on zit-removal, and lets go get us some chicks.
Not to boast, but I played the unnamed, red-shirted security guy in the
landing party killed in episodes 4, 7, 15 and 29.
No, really, Fibercon IS better than Metamucil.
Wow! Two girls! Thats twice as many as we had at the 20th-anniversary
convention!
Live long and purchase.

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, thats why I dont go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and Ill go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: Im a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, whats your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, Id probably die laughing.

The following came through a long sequence of forwardings, but managed to
retain an attribution:
Kathy Dysert
kdysert@pacific.net

Heres something that came to my husband with some other information.

AND HERE IS SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:

Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he
averages about 30 minutes a game.

Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, hell be making $178,100 a day
(working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see Independence Day, itll cost him $7.00, but hell make
$18,550 while hes there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, hell make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)

Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Seinfeld.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 days.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

Hell probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student
5200 packages of Ramen.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax
deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such
accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, youd be
living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

Hell make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run,

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, hell pull in about $5600.

Next year, hell make more than twice as much as all of our past
presidents for all of their terms combined.

And something to cheer you up after all of this… Jordan will only have
to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to
that of Bill Gates.

A married guy was out getting a little strange stuff when he suffered a
massive heart attack and died…

The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying Your
late husband died with a tremendous erection that we cant get to go away…
What would you like us to do?

To which she replied, Somehow, that doesnt surprise me… Cut it off and
stuff it in his ass.

When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on
her deceased husbands face as he lay in the casket… Bending over him she
said softly, Hurts, doesnt it?

A dipper and a gora are sitting beside each other on a plane. It was a long flight to India so the gora said:Lets play a game. The dipper said sure. The gora said lets play I spy. The dipper said sure. The gora started. He said I spy with my little eye something black. The dipper said suitcase? He was right. Then he said I spy with my little eye something that starts with the letter B. The gora looked hard for about ten minutes. Then finally he gave up .He said what was it. The dipper said look stupid gora bindow!

A man was tired of the city life so he decided to move way out in the country where he would have all the room and privacy that he needed. His house was at least 35 miles from everything and everyone. No one ever came to visit and he never went to visit anyone. After about the sixth month at his new home, he began to get a little lonesome and wondered if hed really made the right move.

That evening while he sat in his rocking chair on his front porch, he noticed someone walking along his long, secluded driveway towards his house. He quickly approached the strange man and asked what he needed.

The stranger stated that he was a neighbor that lived just beyond the far hill and that he was having a party that night and would like to invite him. The man quickly accepted the neighbors offer and was relived to finally have some company. Before the neighbor left, he told the man, You better let me warn you about something. At this party, theres probably going to be some drinking.

The man said, well thats all right, I like to do some drinking.

The neighbor said, and theres probably going to be some fighting.

The man said, thats OK too, and like to do a little fighting.

Then the neighbor said, and after the drinking and fighting, theres probably going to be some sex.

The man said, nothing wrong with a little sex, now is there? The neighbor told the man to be there at 7:00 and started to leave when the man yelled, hey Ill bring the beer. How much do we need?

The neighbor yelled back, Oh, just a couple of six packs will do. Itll just be the two of us.

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

Wheres Henry? one of his campmates asked.

Henry had a stroke of some kind. Hes a couple of miles back up the trail.

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!

A tough call, nodded the hunter, but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

Louise, he moaned, Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?

Even worse, she assured him in her most scornful tone. You made a complete ass of yourself.

You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.

Hes an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!

You did. All over his suit, Louise informed him. And he fired you.

Well, screw him, said John.

I did, said Louise, Youre back at work on Monday.