A man went to see a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didnt seem to be getting a clear picture of his problems.
Finally he asked, Do you ever watch your girlfriends face while youre having sex?
Well, yes, I did once.
Well, how did she look?
Oh boy… she looked very angry!
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, Well thats very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriends face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual to me. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?
She was watching us through the window!
31
Dec
31
Dec
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?
Are you kidding? said St. Peter. It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. Ill never get a lawyer!
31
Dec
Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.
31
Dec
A love letter with chocolate by Kevin Missen
Swallowing that chocolate you just ate
May have been your fatal mistake!
Your smooth complexion will get lumps and spots,
Your lips will go brown and your teeth will all rot.
Your breath will go smelly – it may make you sick,
Not to mention your waistline expanding a bit!
After eating that chocolate with its lack of nutrition,
You will need to visit your local beautician.
But no matter how ugly you may turn out to be
You will always be sweet and beautiful to me.
31
Dec
Why should I upgrade to Windows 95?
Because of the size of Microsoft, and its influence on the American
economy, its crucial that all PC users buy Windows 95. If this doesnt
happen, the dollar will fall further against the yen, unemployment will
rise, the deficit will increase, interest rates will skyrocket, the
market will crash, and well be plunged into another world war.
Besides, Bill Gates says you should.
What about long filenames?
Ha ha. Cant believe you fell for this one. Sure you can create long
filenames, which are then immediately truncated to an eight character
string, for old times sake. When you go to look for your file, the
operating system matches a random sampling of letters with the
filenames it has stored. Good luck finding your file.
Does Windows 95 offer true multitasking?
Yes. Its called Interactive Multitasking, meaning you can work on
other tasks while waiting for your computer to reboot each time Win95 crashes.
What does 32-bit mean?
Colloquially, 2 bits means 25 cents (as in Shave and a haircut, two
bits). So 32 bits is $4, or the amount it costs Microsoft to make
something for which theyll charge you $89.
Can Windows 95 really work with only 4 MB of RAM as Microsoft
claims?
Its true! However, we caution you not to try to run any programs
under this configuration. In fact, its best if you dont turn the
machine on at all.
Why did the Justice Department allow Windows 95 to ship with access
to Microsoft Network?
The Justice Department was mysteriously gifted several million shares
of Microsoft stock by an anonymous donor and now has a stake in
Microsofts eternal success.
Why would I want to sign up for Microsoft Network?
You wont have a choice. Windows 95 manipulates your monitors
refresh rate to flash subliminal messages on your screen suggesting that
you sign up for MSN. In this hypnotic state, youll do anything they say.
Anything they say. Anything they say…
How do I get support?
In anticipation of the flood of customer support calls, Microsoft has
contracted with city agencies across the country for their services. If
you need assistance for Win95, just dial 911.
But doesnt Windows 95 come with some cool features, like a trash
can on the desktop?
Wow. How… innovative of them.
Didnt Windows 95 have another name?
Yes. Macintosh 89.
31
Dec
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself? asked the doctor.
Sure, after the police leave, replied the attorney.
31
Dec
If youve got melted chocolate all over your hands, youre eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. Itll take the edge off your appetite, and youll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, that is a balanced diet. They actually counteract each other.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put eat chocolate at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least youll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isnt that handy?
If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You cant let that happen, can you?
31
Dec
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange.
Officer: May I see your drivers license?
Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?
Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card
in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who
owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: Theres a body in the trunk?!
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly
surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense
situation
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It is valid.
Captain: Whos car is this?
Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owners card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in
it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body
in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him
you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that
there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.
31
Dec
Artery
The study of paintings
Bacteria
Back door of a cafeteria
Barium
What doctors do when a patient dies
Bowel
A letter like a, e, i, o, or u
Cesarean Section
A neighborhood in rome
Cat Scan
Searching for a kitty
Cauterize
Had eye contact with her
Colic
A sheep dog
Coma
A punctuation mark
D & C
Where Washington is
Dilate
To live long
Enema
Not a friend
Fester
Quicker
Fibula
A small lie
Genital
Not a jew
G.I. Series
A soldiers ball game
Hangnail
Coat hook
Impotent
Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
A doctors cane
Morbid
A higher offer
Nitrates
Cheaper than day rates
Node
Was aware of
Outpatient
A person who has fainted
Pap Smear
A fatherhood test
Pelvis
A cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
Letter carrier
Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
Damn near killed em
Secretion
Hiding something
Seizure
Roman emperor
Tablet
Small table
Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport
Ultrasound
Very good music
Urine
Opposite of youre out
Varicose
Near by
Vein
Conceited
31
Dec
You might be a redneck if youre mowing your lawn and find a car.