Old and New Jokes

The priest was preparing a man for his long days journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?

The dying man said, Until I know where Im heading, I dont think I ought to aggravate anybody.

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesnt
   (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the
   workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an
   average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, thats 91.8 million homes. One
   presumes theres at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the
   rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out
   to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good
   children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
   chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
   snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the
   next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the
   earth (which, of course,we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will
   accept),we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million
   miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus
   feeding and etc. This means that Santas sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
   times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on
   earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional
   reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets
   nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons,
   not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional
   reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer (see point
   #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
   We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the
   sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen
   Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will
   heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earths atmosphere.
   The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
   Each. In short,they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind
   them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be
   vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
   centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems
   ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, hes dead now.

the queen one day summoned the 3 people who worshipped the strangest g-ds.an israeli came,an arab came and a hindu came.they were each asked which g-ds they worshipped.the arab saidallahthe hindu said budda and the israeli said me?oh i worship the fan.

The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldnt say who was responsible.

All right ! bellowed her Mother, you march yourself to your room, and dont come out until you can give us a definite answer.

Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs. Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.

I should hope so ! the Mother responded. The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.

Chill Mom. the girl said. I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team!

Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun dont shine. He dropped the horses tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon."Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?""Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked. "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin em."

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. Hes met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An R! They left out the R”.God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "Its the letter R… the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE"

A young girl was having a tooth pulled and the dentist tells her the usual B.S. This wont hurt at all routine before bending over her with the pliers in his hand. He instantly drops the pliers in total panic. Miss, he said in a weak whimper, Your grabbing my groin! Yes Doctor, I know she smiled, and we arent going to hurt each other, are we?

What do you call an eternity?

Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

Toes Go In First

Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said Disneyland left. So they turned around and went home.

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?

Oh,look, Daddy….doughnut seeds!

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?

Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?

It has a stamp on it.

Why cant blondes dial 911?

They cant find the 11 on the phone.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run, shes got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a blondes been using your computer?

There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldnt blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them.

A blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said,Oh, look at the dead bird. The blonde looked skyward and said, Where? Where?

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?

Took her a month to figure out she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team?

They drowned during spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

Duh! Look! They spelled Macys wrong!

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Tuesday.

Why are blondes boobs always square?

Because they forget to take the kleenex out of the box.

One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.
The deaf policeman heard the noise, and came and shot those two dead boys.
If you dont believe this joke is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too!