A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or…!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or…!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."

In the beginning, God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the
99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, You want
fries with that?

And Man said, Super size them. And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad.

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and
olive oil with which to cook them.

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed
its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the
roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose
those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man
would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, Youre running up the score, Devil.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in
fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour
cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips
swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, It is good.

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgets his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.

He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. Excuse me sir, says the young man do you know what time it is?

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.

Mmmmm, it is about 3:00 the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, How did you know that? The zoo keeper looks back at the man, I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you.

Bhola as you know, is a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Bhola decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldnt happen again.

He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself. So, one day, on the way home from work Bhola took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon Bhola went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.

Well, explained Bhola, I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!

So Gorbachev decided that now that he was on top, it was time
to impress his ancient mother. He sent his private helicopter out to
the small town where she lived to pick her up. He met her with a
fleet of limos in Red Square.

So, mama. Its good to see you here in Moscow! Come, we eat!

She said nothing about the flight, and followed quietly into his
limo. He took her to the best restaurant in town, where they were served
by an army of waiters. The food was superb, the wine the best money
could buy. She said nothing.

You like the dinner? Come. We fly to my Dacha for drinks.

The chopper picked them up and delivered them to the steps of a
magnificent building, secluded in the outskirts of the city. Waiters
in white coats were waiting, and proceeded to serve them with the
best Cognac and liquor available.

They sat sipping on the porch, looking out over the view.

So, mama. You dont say anything. Arent you proud of your
little Miki? Havent I done well?

She turned to him and replied in a quiet voice.

Miki, baby. Is wonderful time I have here. Helicopters are so
grand to fly in. Food is best I have ever tasted. And this, a dacha?
This is more glorious than anything I could imagine.

Yes, Miki. Is wonderful. I am happy for you. But Miki, Baby.
What if the communists return!

-Bil

(Yes, this is NOT my own. I heard it at a party in Sweden, being
told by a low member of the Soviet corps. there.)

What do a toilet, a clitoris and a anniverary have in common? Men always miss them.

Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochios face saying, Lie to me, lie to me!

your momma is so hairy shes got afros on her tittis

An 80-year old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.

The next day, the 80-year old man reappears at the doctors office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, Well, doc, its like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.

The doctor was shocked. You asked your NEIGHBOR?

The old man replied, Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldnt get the damn jar open!

Q: Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman? A: A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head,