Old and New Jokes

Maybe its true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

Youre getting old when you dont care where your spouse goes, just as long as you dont have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isnt that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know youre getting on in years when the women at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, hes too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course Im against sin; Im against anything that Im too old to enjoy.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know youre into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, getting a little action means I dont need to take a laxative.

Dont worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Youre getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

Youre getting old when youre sitting in a rocker and you cant get it started.

Youre getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent and you dont know till the 4th of July.

Youre getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didnt do anything the night before.

The cardiologists diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

Its hard to be nostalgic when you cant remember anything.

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 pm news. The current

news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: I bet you $20 hes going to jump.

Blonde: OK.

(Back to newscast : He jumped!)

Blonde: OK. I lost. Heres my $20 to you.

Brunette: No, that was too easy. I cant take it.

Blonde: I insist. I lost.

Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the

6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasnt really a good bet.

Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didnt think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!.

Q: Why did the blonde sell her television? A: To buy a VCR!

Why did the little girl bury her flashlight?

Because the batteries died.

Bernie was invited to his friends home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey… My Love… Darling… Sweetheart… Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.

Morris hung his head and whispered, To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock Knock.
Whos There?
Britney Spears…Oops I did it again.

A kid walks into a lunchroom at school and sees a fly on the table. He swats it and leaves. Abother kid walks in, sees the dead fly and says, “Hey, cool, wings.” So he pulls off the wings and leaves. Another kid comes in, sees the fly, and says, “Hey look! Legs!” So he pulls off the legs and leaves. A third kid comes in and he also sees the dead fly. He leans over to look at it and pulls of its head. Then the first kid comes back, sees it and says, “Hey, look, a raisin,” and he eats it.

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country: 1) My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. 2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33. 4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. 5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. 6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()s were crossed out.] 12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. 13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his fathers fault. 15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I dont know what size she wears. 16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. 17) Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. 18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. 19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. 20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasnt the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. 22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

You know youre a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

Dear Pastor, Im sorry I cant leave more money in the plate, but my father didnt give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother wont be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need Gods help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I dont think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston