Old and New Jokes

Yes, motherhood changes everything. But motherhood also changes with
each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child
differs from having your first:

Your Clothes

First baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.

Second baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

Third baby: Your maternity clothes *are* your regular clothes.

The Babys Name

First baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and
writing combinations of all your favorites.

Second baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis,
right? It might as well be you.

Third baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your
finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth

First baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

Second baby: You dont bother practising because you remember that last
time, breathing didnt do a thing.

Third baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette

First baby: You prewash your newborns clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the babys little bureau.

Second baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

Third baby: Boys can wear pink, cant they?

Worries

First baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown – you
pick up the baby.

Second baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.

Third baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.

Activities

First baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and
Baby Story Hour.

Second baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

Third baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

First baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.

Second baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.

Third baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
sees blood.

At Home

First baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

Second baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older
child isnt squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

Third baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.

There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,I chewed up all my masters shoes, and thats why Im here.

The next dog said,I peed on my masters $1,000 rug.

The next dog then comes in and says,My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!.

And thats why youre here? asked the other dogs. No, Im getting my nails clipped.

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain. Man: So what happened thats so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just cant explain. Man: Ok, but thats not so bad.

Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just cant explain.

As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask Why do we have to learn this stuff?

To save lives. the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. So how does physics save lives? he persisted.

It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school, replied the professor.

The Chelsea team are having a meeting on the eve of a Newcastle game.
Vialli says, Look lads, I know they are absolute shite and we dont want
to play them, but we have to or we face the wrath of the FA.

Gustavo Poyet peps up, Ive got an idea… why dont you lot all go down
to the pub, and let me play them on my own? After all, Ive played in most
of the positions this season, and remember, Newcastle are totally
pish…

Brilliant Idea, Gus! says Vialli. Lets do that!

On the day of the game, the blues are all in the pub, and Vialli decides to
check the score. He gets the TV control and keys up teletext.

NEWCASTLE 0

CHELSEA 1 (Poyet, 10)

The lads all cheer, and get the drinks in. At ten to five, after some
serious drinking, he checks the text again.

NEWCASTLE 1 (Shearer, 90)

CHELSEA 1 (Poyet, 10)

Oh Red Card! cries Vialli. What the hell went wrong?!

They all leave the bar and jump into taxis to get back to the ground. They
rush in to find Poyet sitting in the dressing room with his head in his
hands.

Well, Gus, what the hell happened? says Vialli.

Gus shakes his head. It was all under control, he says. Everything was
great. Then that bastard referee sent me off in the 12th minute…

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks…

Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?

The man curls his eyebrows and asks huh?

The old man gets up and says wait right here.

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:

Ok, heres how it works…

If the boy grabs the beer hes gonna be a drunk.

If he grabs the cards hes gonna be a gambler.

If he grabs the bible hes gonna be a preacher.

The baby stares at the items for a moment.

He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts…

HOT DANG SON – HES A DEMOCRAT!

Whats the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians??

Libertarians are anarchists with money.

Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property.

Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options.

Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.

Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields.

Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.

Libertarians go to the police after theyve been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police.

A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists.

Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them.

Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns.

Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists arent organized in anything.

Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote and lose.

Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists dont care what libertarians think.

Department Store Santa Pet Peeves

As presented on the 12/09/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Kids who refuse to believe thats fruitcake on your breath, not gin
When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it
Even with the costume, people recognizing you from Americas Most Wanted
Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a pinch of Skoal
That billionaire elf from Texas who wont shut up about running for president
Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Yale Drama School
Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
Kids who dont understand that Santas been a little jittery since he got back from Nam
Constantly being asked, Is Rudolph gay?
Two words: lap rash

How many mailing list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the mail
list that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how
the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing
light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light
bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please
take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use
light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail
list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,
where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best
for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light
bulbs.

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant
to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all
headers and footers, and then add Me Too.

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversey.

19 to quote the Me Toos to say, Me Three.

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,
leave it here.

143 votes for a new list alt.lite.bulb.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.