Five surgeons discuss who are the best patients to operate on.
I like to see accountants on my operating table, The first surgeon says, When you open them up, everything inside is neatly numbered.Yeah, The second surgeon agrees, But you should try electricians- everything inside them is colour coded.No, I think librarians are the best, Says another, Everything inside is in alphabetical order.Well, The fourth says, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.I think you are all wrong! The last surgeon says, The easiest patients to operate on, by far, are politicians- they have no guts, no brain, no heart and no spine!

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. Welcome to Heaven, says St. Peter. Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so were not sure what to do with you. No problem, just let me in, says the senator.Well, Id like to but I have orders from higher up. What well do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. Really, Ive made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven. Im sorry but we have our rules, replies St. Peter.And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. Now its time to visit Heaven. The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. Well then, youve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity. The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, Well, I would never have said it, I mean

10. Cats facial expressions9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors8. Why bean sprouts arent just weeds7. Fat clothes6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow3. Eyelash curlers2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made1. OTHER WOMEN

We wish you a happy hearing,

we wish you a happy hearing,

We wish you a happy hearing,

and we hope you make bail!

Skeet shooting the shuttle craft
Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
Giving Worf A nuggie
Ordering Pizza from Dominos then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folgers crystals
Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self destruct sequence
Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
Calling down to the transporter room, ask if theyve beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can
Tribble sex!

You might be a redneck if…
You own at least 20 baseball hats.

Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.

So the next morning the first man went out. He didnt come back till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it.

He said I find tracks…I follow tracks…I kill deer.

So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it.

He said I find tracks…I follow tracks…I kill buffalo.

The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he still hadnt returned they started getting worried. Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm. They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened.

He said I find tracks…I follow tracks…and…I got hit by a train.

You might be a redneck if…
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

A Catholic priest was manning a confession booth for several hours and wanted relief. He asked his friend the rabbi to fill in for him. When the rabbi said he had no experience, he asked the rabbi to stay with him in the booth and observe what he did. The rabbi obliged.


A man confessed that he committed adultery 3 times. The priest told him to say 2 hail marys and put $5 in the box. Next, a woman told the priest he committed adultery times. The priest repeated his instructions. The rabbi then said he knew what to do and could take over.


Afterwards, a different woman came around and confessed to the rabbi that she committed adultery. The rabbi asked how many times. The woman said she did it once. The rabbi responded:


Do it 2 more times. Were having a special. Three for five dollars.

I got this from a friend, Jared Callison. Not sure where he found it…

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered
assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking
for a small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was Exotic Pets and
that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace
pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal.

He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and
pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

Would that suit your needs? he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an
amphibian would be a suitable companion.

Ah, replied the salesman, leering, but this amphibian has been
carefully trained … to perform oral sex upon women.

At this the womans eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a price of $500
for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home,
she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in
anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and
arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the
frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened.

She prodded the frog.

Still nothing.

She moved it up further toward her body.

Nothing.

She ordered it to perform.

No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the
pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been
cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said
hed be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing
a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by
disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place.

The frog made no movement.

You see? she asked, petulantly.

Yes, I do, said the man.

Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he
said, Now, Im only going to show you this one more time…