An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrists office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
Doctor, my memorys gone. Gone! I cant remember my wifes name.
Cant remember my childrens names. Cant remember what kind of car I drive.
Cant remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here!?!
Calm down sir! How long have you been like this?
Like what?
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. Hes off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. Its a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. Hes gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. Hes got great hands.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery! Martha replies, Shall I pack for warm weather or cold? The man responds, I dont care. Just so long as youre out of the house by noon!
I havent spoken to my wife for 18 months – I dont like to interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!
How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.
How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. Its a womans job.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Dont be sexist. Broads hate that!
Why cant Helen Keller drive? Shes a woman!
How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.
Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Marry a new one !!
How do you fix a womans watch? You dont…theres a clock on the oven!
Whats long, black, and smells funny?
The Welfare LINE!
There were two nuns…
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: Its logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: Its not working.
SL: Of course its not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and Ill go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldnt follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isnt it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
What goes in hard, and comes out wet and sticky?
Chewing gum you perv!!!!!
Q: How do you get the entire state of Kentucky into the Ohio River?
A: … throw in a quarter.
Q: How do you get the entire state of Kentucky *out* of the Ohio River?
A: … throw in a bar of soap.
In reference to Santa is a woman: Santa is a man.
It is precisely because Christmas is an organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal that Santa has to be a man. Delegation … thats the key. Just imagine if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were going to celebrate it on.
It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and (usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task would overwhelm most females. Wed have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or worse yet … there might not be any football at all. (Shudder) Thats a scary thought.
If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Years Eve to get dressed (for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never happen. Once she got underway, shed be too busy talking on the cell phone to her girl friends to get all the way around the world to every girl and boys house in a single year, let alone a single night.
If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or aftershave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be none of the noise making, shoot em up, battery operated windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on improving ones self esteem. Christmas just wouldnt be the same.
Ill tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (AND a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer … Dasher, Comet, Blitzen … If those arent male names for football players, than Im an elf.
And if that isnt proof enough, consider the following:
Santa Claus could never have been a woman! Who else but a man would:
Be really generous once a year,
Be totally uninvolved the other 11 months,
(And 29 days, well give him Christmas Eve & Day),
And yet think he was a saint?
And the clincher: No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year.
What is a blondes way of having safe sex?
Locking the car doors!
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed Deepest Sympathy.
While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. Oh, its alright. said the storekeeper. Im a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.
But, added the florist, I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party. Well, what did it say? ask the storekeeper. Congratulations on your new location. was the reply.