Old and New Jokes

What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?

When theyre on their back their both fucked!

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnies schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event – hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, I cant make the supper. I cant light a fire with the matches you brought.

Sally replied, I dont understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left.

The line in front of the Butcher shop in Warsaw is long,
indeed, and the people grow weary, ever more weary, of the wait.
Eventually an official comes out and announces We are very low
on meat; all Jews must leave the line. So the Jews in the line
quit the queue and head for home, empty-handed.

After some more of a wait the same official reappears
and announces, We are even lower on meat that we thought. All
non-party members must leave the line. So all the non-card-carrying
members standing in line begin heading for home, equally empty-handed.

After some more time the official appears to declare All
Serbs and Croats must leave the line; we havent enough meat for
you. Disappointed, they leave the line and wander off.

Well, you guessed it: a bit later the same official appears
and informs the remaining people Unfortunately we have run out of
meat entirely – you may as well all go home, and disappears back
into the store.

Isnt that just the way it always is, mutters one old man
as he departs. Those damn Jews get all the breaks!

And the Lord spoke to Noah: In six months Im going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

Six months, and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. Youd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnt meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming Im trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really dont think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years, Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

You mean youre not going to destroy the earth? Noah asked, hopefully.

Wrong! thundered the Lord. But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.

Whats that? asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

Government.

A lady walks into a bar and says, Barkeep, gimme a martooni. The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, Barkeep, gimme another martooni. So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesnt say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, Would you like another? She says, Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.
The bartender says, Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: Its martini, not martooni.
Number 2: Its bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: Youre not having heartburn, your boobs in the ash tray.

Turkey 1- So what are you having for Thanksgiving?Turkey 2- I heard my owner say were having turkey!

Yo mama is like a pool table. 50 cents and shell rack your balls.

One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you dont hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

Three old friends were sitting about one afternoon just chatting and chatting.

After several hours one of them said, Goodness, Ive been sitting so long I dare say my behind has gone to sleep.

Her friends looked at each other and one of them said, We know, we could hear it snoring.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

Ive never been better! he boasted. Ive got an eighteen year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.

The doctor continued, So he was in the woods and suddently a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.

And do you know what happened? the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, No.

The doctor continued, The bear dropped dead in front of him!

Thats impossible! exclaimed the old man. Someone else must have shot that bear!

Thats kind of what Im getting at … replied the doctor.