Old and New Jokes

An eagle was feeling rather horny, so he swooped down on a dove and
took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the dove said, Im a dove
and I like love.

The eagle thought, Stuff that, and tossed the dove out of the
nest. Then the eagle spotted an owl. So he swooped down on the owl and
took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the owl said, Im an owl
and I like to howl.

The eagle thought, Stuff that, and tossed the owl out of the
nest. Then the eagle spotted an duck. So he swooped down on the duck and
took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the duck said, Im a
drake and I think youve made a mistake!

Brad. W. A. Regional Computing Centre

Grandma was always busy in her kitchen. She would be baking one kind of cookie or another. Chocolate Chip, Oatmeal Raisin, Molasses, Chocolate Chocolate Chip, she made all kinds. One time our family visited when she was making a batch of her Mini Vanilla Sandwich cookies. My brother and I would anxiously wait for them to come down the conveyor belt. We then snatched a handful of the warm cookies before they were shoveled into the cellophane bag and sealed shut by the huge machine. Nothing says love like warm Grandma’s Mini Vanilla Sandwich cookies.

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. Im doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and Im starting to get the hang of this.After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadnt radioed in.A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.When he asked what happened, she said, I dont know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. Who is it?, calls one of the nuns. Blind man, replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door. Nice butt, sister, says the man, where do you want these blinds?

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses. Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank!

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, Beerrr!!! Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling,lemonadeee!!! Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling wheeeeeeeee!!!

A family recently moved to New Jersey. The first night as the mother was putting her son, 2 1/2, to bed, she said, Lets say our prayers to Jesus.

The little boy asked, Did he move with us too?

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system makers technical support line for assistance:

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: Theres smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.

Tech: Sounds like you need a new power supply.

Cust: No, I dont! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.

Cust: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command.

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technicians efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…

Tech: Im sorry. We dont normally tell our customers this, but theres an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

Cust: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…

Cust: It didnt work. The power supply is still smoking!

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Cust: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: Well, thats your problem. That version of DOS doesnt include NOSMOKE. Youll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out.

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…

Cust: I need a new power supply.

Tech: Really? How did you come to that conclusion?

Cust: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you had said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.

Tech: What did he tell you?

Cust: He said my power supply isnt compatible with NOSMOKE.

Thanx to Gerry Gieger via http://www.allworld.net/allworld/jokes/

Gorbachevs handicap is that he too long tried to placate both the
democratic reformists and the party hardliners.

Bushs handicap is an 8.

Moishe mit Rochels car Vun day,


Chaim vas valking down da street ven who did he see


driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Moishe!!

Moishe pulled up to him vit a big vide smile.

So……Moishe, vere did you get dat big fancy car?


Chaim asked.


Rochel gave it to me


She gave it to you? Rochel gave you a car? I knew she

vaz sveet on you, but dis?


Vell, let me tell you vot happened. Ve vos driving out

on county road 6, in da middle of novere.


Rochel pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got

out of da car, trew off all of her clothes and said


Moishe take vatever you vant.

…Sooooo, I took da car.

Moishe, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit


ya.