Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

Every Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a drivers license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: Whats for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be over reacting?

SAFEST: Heres fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

SAFER: I hope you didnt overdo today.

SAFEST: Ive always loved you in that robe.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of owning a British car, but want to know what its like: Next big rainstorm, wait till dark, roll down all windows, leave off lights and heater and go for a drive. Stop at every intersection and throw out a twenty dollar bill. Its not exactly the same, but its real close.

Some great license plates seen over the years or heard about…

IXLR8

On a nice looking Porsche
LK 2 FK

Seen by myself – a blonde in a white Mercedes
3M TA3

A friend of a friend had this one made up. Write the plate number down and hold it up to a mirror. Im sure there are plenty you could get away with using this technique. This is great when the person in front of you looks in his/her mirror!

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem.

High-speed modem? questions the judge.

Yes replies the lawyer, It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor.

Cybersex? says the judge, You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!

Secondly, my lord, continues the lawyer, My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom.

12-speed cd-rom? queries the judge.

Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk.

And I suppose most of this *information* is cybersex related … Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling, comments the judge. Im appalled at what technology is doing to society these days.

Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever *that* is.

Thats the one with the silicone breasts and real hair, replies the judge.

Happiness is defined as opening your refrigerator to find your mother-in-laws picture on the milk carton.

An American Indian goes into the general store and says, Me need toilet paper. The proprietor replies I have SuperSoft at $6 for four rolls, or I have No-name at $4 for four rolls.

The Indian decides Me take No-name. Two weeks later, the Indian returns to the store. He says, Me have name for No-name toilet paper.

What is it? the owner asks. John Wayne, says the Indian. Why John Wayne? the owner asks. Because it rough, tough, and take no shit off Indian.

A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.

The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.

He says, She cannot talk rrright now, she as a frog in ze thrrrought.

Heard this morning at 6:57 AM on radio station KKUP, Cupertino, CA:

Host: Well, do you have any concluding statements, Marshall?

Guest: No, I dont, Larry.

Host: Then could you say something to last about three minutes?

Stalin is dying, and summons Comrade Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his
last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, Comrade, the reins
of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you
some advice.

Yes, yes, Great Leader, what is it? says Khruschev.

Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produces two envelopes marked 1 and 2.
Take these letters, he tells Khruschev. Keep them safely–dont open
them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things start going badly, open
the first one. Thatll give you some advice on what to do. And, even after
that, if things start going REALLY badly, open the second one. And with a
gasp Stalin breathed his last.

Well, Khruschev succeeded him, and sure enough, within a few years things
started going badly–unemployment increased, crops failed, people became
restless. Nikita decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said
was: Blame everything on me! So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization
campaign, and blamed Josef for all the excesses and purges and ills of the
present system, and bought himself some time that way.

But things continued on the downslide–Kennedy successfully rebuffed Soviet
missiles in Cuba, unemployment increased even more, crops failed even more,
the Politburo was unhappy with Khruschevs leadership and upstarts like
Brezhnev and Gromyko were threatening his credibility. So finally, after
much deliberation, Nikita opened the second letter.

All it said was: Write two letters.