If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Coolwip on the side……….you might be a Redneck

If your working T.V. sits on top of ur NON-working T.V. ……….you might be a Redneck

If you think a courter horse is that ride in front of Kmart……….you might be a Redneck

If the biggest city youve ever been too is Walmart……….you might be a Redneck

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking companys fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didnt you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
Well, Ill tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–"
I didnt ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted. Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–
Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joes answer and told the lawyer so.
Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didnt want to move. However, I could hear ol Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

The devil visited a lawyers office and made him an offer. I can arrange some things for you, the devil said. Ill increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; youll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wifes soul, your childrens souls, and their childrens souls rot in hell for eternity.

The lawyer thought for a moment. Whats the catch? he asked.

Womens Quote of the Day:

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which youd like to have dinner.

Mens Counter-Quote of the Day:

Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

Be sure to check your work for accuracy and completemess.

An American pilot who had downed a German Messerschmidt, visited the German pilot in the field hospital. Finding the fellow in pretty bad shape, the American asked if he could do anything for him.
The Nazi admitted that he did have a favour to ask. The leg they amputated, on your next bombing run, could you drop it over Germany?

Sure, pal.

It was a pretty weird request, but the pilot was happy to oblige and came back to tell him the mission had been carried out.

The grateful German gasped his thanks, and another request. The other leg got very bad, they had to cut it off. Could this, too, be dropped over my homeland? It would mean a great deal to me.

The American shrugged, but returned two days later with the news that the job was done.

Many thanks, whispered the downed Nazi, now ashen faced and unable to lift his head from the pillow. I have just one final request. Last night they had to amputate my right arm…

Now hang on just a darn minute, interrupted the American angrily. Are you trying to escape?

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 4 years-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesnt stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh its already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak — it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we dont want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still cant walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean dont worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, Well, Forrest, its certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and weve been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.

Forrest responds, It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams Shore hope the test aint too hard;life was a big enough test as it was.

Saint Peter goes on, Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is Gods first name?

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.

Forrest says, Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that ones easy; thatd be Today and Tomorrow.

The saints eyes opened wide and he exclaims, Forrest! Thats not what I was thinking, but…you do have a point though, and I guess I didnt specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? says Saint Peter. How many seconds in a year?

Now that ones harder, says Forrest. But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.

Astounded, Saint Peter says, Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?

Forrest says, Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second…

Hold it, interrupts Saint Peter. I see where youre going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasnt quite what I had in mind. Ill give you credit for that one too.

Lets go on with the next and final question, says Saint Peter. Can you tell me Gods first name?

Forrest says, Well, shore, I know Gods first name. Everybody knows it. Its Howard.

Howard?! asks Saint Peter. What makes you think its Howard?!

Forrest answers, Its in the prayer.

The prayer? asks Saint Peter, Which prayer?

You know, The Lords Prayer, responds Forrest:

Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name…

How do you make a blonde go crazy?

Place them in a round room, and tell them to stand in the corner!

A guy just died and hes at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, You know, I cant see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED – youre in.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leaders chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, Leave this poor innocent girl alone! Youre all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!

St. Peter, impressed, says, Really? When did this happen?

Oh, about two minutes ago.